But something.
‘I’m … I’m …’
Jessy waited for me with bright, curious eyes – a curiosity that only heightened my nerves.
‘The distance is to protect myself.’
‘What?’ Jessy blinked, as though she hadn’t expected my answer.
I explained. ‘I … I’m not interested in all this fame. Maybe once upon a time, when I was younger. Before I really knew how much of myself I’d have to give up. But not any more.’ It was the truest thing I’d said to her, probably, since we’d begun this sham, and I’d expected it to sting to be so open. But it felt right. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love making music with the boys. They’re the only thing that keeps me going, honestly. And I never want to get in the way of their success, so I’ve learnt to just hold back – it’s so much easier that way. Does that make sense?’
I wasn’t sure it made sense to me. God only knew what Jessy made of it.
‘Yeah.’ Jessy nodded, her smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Was she laughing at me? Or did she get it?
Part of me didn’t care. Here was someone, finally, who I actually wanted to talk to about this stuff. Who wanted to know more about the real me.
‘The music,’ I started slowly. ‘That was why we – Wes, Ben, Matt, I mean – it’s what we loved. Love.’
Jessy just … sat there. Looking at me. Listening.
When was the last time someone had completely listened to me?
‘When I’m writing lyrics, when I can see how the chords will come together – it’s like … like the most satisfying, incredible thing.’ I grinned awkwardly. ‘It’s kind of like sex.’
Jessy raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh yeah?’
‘Like – like two people absolutely knowing what the other person wants. What they need. When a song comes together in the studio, I can feel it moving through me, like …’ I scrabbled about for a word. ‘Like the world inside me is finally out there in the world. For others to see.’
At some point, Jessy had taken my hand in hers. When had she done that?
‘I know it sounds dramatic –’
‘No, it doesn’t.’ A smile flickered across her face. ‘It’s probably the most real thing you’ve ever said. To me, I mean.’
I felt vulnerable, sitting here on a bench in the dark, pouring out my heart.
But it also felt right.
‘It was supposed to be about the music, not – not the number of followers we had on socials, or whether or notMusica Italiawould put us on the cover,’ I said, my own smile returning as I spoke. ‘It was never meant to be about our childhood friends selling stories to the papers –’ or, if it came to it, my mother – ‘or ex-girlfriends trying to use our dating history to land a reality-TV job.’
Jessy winced. ‘Yeah, I remember reading about that.’
Of course she did. Everyone had.
But I couldn’t blame her for it. Hell, sometimes even I couldn’t avoid seeing my own face online, and I’d gone to all the effort of blocking my name from searches.
I glanced down at my hand. Jessy’s hand. In the dark, I could barely tell. ‘It all happened so quickly. Fame, I mean. It took me a while to realize no one really wanted to talk to me. They didn’t care what I was about to say, just that I’d said it, and tothem– like they were in some sort of fucking inner circle.’
‘Sounds lonely.’
I blinked. Jessy was staring at me with sympathy – not pity for the poor famous guy who just had it so tough, but for a person who had spent the last four years holding themselves at a distance from the rest of the world.
I never thought anyone would get it. Get me.
‘It is,’ I said simply.
