Despite everything, she was my mum. There was something almost surreal about seeing her here, in real life, after seven months of no contact.
Well. Other than the voicemails I kept deleting and the messages I kept ignoring.
Cassie tottered over to the bench, dragging me along with her, and I let her. It was just – shit – so nice for her to actually care about something going on in my life. No matter how much older I got, a small part of me was still five years old,waiting on the sports day field after everyone else had gone, blinking away tears that she hadn’t seen me win the beanbag race. I hated how much I wanted her approval.
‘Jessica,’ she said promptly, her smile broad. ‘You like her?’
I swallowed. ‘Yeah. Sure.’ I knew better than to divulge the truth of my ‘relationship’ to my mother. She couldn’t be trusted. I’d learnt that the hard way.
‘She treating you well?’ Cassie persisted.
It was bizarre to hear such concern in her voice. Cassie was not someone who had ever been that interested in my happiness: not when I was a kid, not when I’d started playing music more seriously, not when I’d slipped into stardom and gone off to tour the world.
No, that had not been her priority.
‘She’s …’ I hesitated before continuing. ‘Yeah, she’s great. Jessy’s great.’
‘Oh, darling, Iampleased,’ said Cassie brightly, rubbing my arm. She still hadn’t let go. I thought I would have minded, but somehow, I didn’t. Her hand on me felt simultaneously soothing and branding. ‘You deserve to be happy.’
Such a short sentence shouldn’t make genuine joy spring through me, but it did.
God, I was such a loser. One kind word from her and I’d reverted back to being a kid.
‘Thanks,’ I said quietly.
Perhaps this was genuine from her. God knows I’d done a lot of growing up recently – there wasn’t any reason to think she wasn’t capable of it too. Perhaps this was the fresh start we needed.
‘I’m glad, honey, so glad. And since things are going so well for you, do you think you could lend your moth–’
I jerked my arm from her grip and stood up. ‘I fucking knew it.’
‘No – no, it’s not – Patrick, darling, calm down –’
‘I should have known,’ I snarled. ‘Why am I not surprised?’
But I was, and that was perhaps what hurt the most. Just for a moment, I had truly thought my mother cared about my happiness, no strings attached.
Damnit, when am I going to learn?
Cassie had risen now, wobbly on the shoes she’d probably bought on credit and couldn’t pay off. ‘I just thought –’
‘Well, you thought wrong – now go away.’
My mother’s face sharpened, the cruelty that had been bubbling away underneath finally breaking the surface. ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I’m your mother, not one of your fucking groupies.’
I laughed darkly. There was the Cassie I knew. ‘Tell me when you’ve improved your mothering, and I’ll reassess my skills as a son.’
‘Patrick –’
‘My security is only a phone call away.’ I pulled out my phone. As I glanced down at it, I saw an unopened message from Jessy.
Either she wasn’t coming, or she was about to arrive – either way, I had to get out of here.
‘Patrick!’
Ignoring Cassie calling after me was easy. I’d been doing it the last three years.
Today wasn’t any different.
