Yeah, I could go after Patrick.
But I’d done this before, hadn’t I? Chased a guy that hadn’t deserved me. Hadn’t deserved my forgiveness, or a second chance.
I’d promised myself – I’d promised Laura, and Anna – that I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.
‘I can’t deal with this. I just can’t, Jessy … Consider our contract terminated.’
A tear, hot and unwelcome, trickled down my cheek.
TWENTY-ONE
Do you think in every world we’re dancing like this, laughing like this, do you think in every universe I found you like this? Do you think there’s a you and a me out there, not speaking, not talking because I broke your heart?
–from ‘Hello Alternative You’, by These Exiles
‘SMILE! SMILE, PATRICK!’
‘Over here – no, over here!’
‘Back a bit, left a bit, no right,myright – yeah, that’s great, smile!’
Smile.
They wanted me to smile.
My life was falling apart, I hadn’t eaten all day because every time I tried to take a bite of food it just tasted like cardboard … and they wanted me to smile.
Thankfully, Derek had been clear with me when he was hovering around as I was being pinned into this damned suit. ‘Don’t smile, Patrick.’
I’d glared at our publicist as I glanced up from my phone. I’d been typing out a lyric idea.
Call me quick, lest you slip, through my fingers
‘I’m not smiling.’
‘Not now – I mean tonight,’ said Derek, tapping away at his own phone. ‘On the red carpet.’
‘And I’m not supposed to be smiling, because –’
‘Because you are a dark and mysterious singer.’ He glanced up and took a long look at me. ‘And because we don’t want any questions about you and Jessy. If you smile, the journos will think they can get a scoop from you. Channel your best pissed-off energy.’
My snort echoed around the hotel room Derek had booked for me and the stylist.Channelling my best pissed-off look?That wouldn’t be hard. I’d been in a constant state of being pissed off recently.
‘Yes, something like that.’ Derek pointed at my face before looking back down at his phone and taking a seat in the armchair behind the mirror I had been instructed to stand by. ‘Look, you’re all over the news and the socials, and that’s good. You know, all PR is good PR.’
Good? The woman I’d thought I loved was cheating on me, and that was good?
‘But we don’t want to be answering questions about Jessy, not this close to the Songwriter Awards. Everything from here on out has to be about you and the boys.’
‘I understand,’ I said in a monotone voice. And I really did. It wasn’t like I wanted to talk about Jessy, anyway. Not to anyone, but least of all the media.
Derek must have sensed something in my tone, because I looked up to see him staring at me, concern on his face. ‘You OK, man?’
‘I’m fine,’ I tried to reassure him, but I knew I wasn’t convincing anyone.
‘It’s just, you seem –’
‘Seriously, Derek. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.’ I didn’t sound fine. Anyone who knew me would be able to tell I wasn’t fine.
