“Hey, future me. If you’re confused and watching this…don’t panic.”
Alone in Harrison’s apartment, I snort-laughed.
“I know this looks insane. Like really crazy. But I need you to listen.” I paused, looking at the bathroom door like I heard something.
When I spoke again, my voice was a little lower.
“I’m drunk,” I confessed unnecessarily. “But I’m not drunk-confused. I’m drunk-honest. And if I’m honest, I think we both know we’ve been waiting our whole life for someone who doesn’t feel like a risk.” I paused, laughed a little. “Which is ironic, I know. But Harrison? He doesn’t feel like a bet, like a chance. He feels like a sure thing. Heisa sure thing.”
I turned to smile at the door where I heard Harrison call my name.
“One sec!” I called. Then, back to the camera, “We didn’t marry him because it was Vegas. And if you’re watching this all mad at him, don’t be. He didn’t pressure us. He didn’t even ask twice. We said yes because this was the first thing in our whole life that didn’t feel like a gamble. It felt safe. He feels safe.”
I paused again, then exhaled hard. “So if future-me is being stubborn and trying to undo this, past-me is here to tell you that you’re doing it because you’rescared. Not because it’s wrong. So, yeah, stop being a chickenshit. Now, I have to get all this butter off of me…”
The video ended right there.
Casually.
Like it didn’t just rip the rug out from underneath me.
Yes, Iwasdrunk in the video. But I was also very clear, very sure. I wasn’t slurring or being crazy. I knew exactly what I was saying. What I was, perhaps more importantly, feeling.
Was some cynical part of me still struggling to understand what had transpired to make the two of us so certain about the literal rest of our lives? Yeah, of course.
But therehadbeen something.
And it wasn’t just the tequila.
And it wasn’t just me.
Harrison, who by all accounts was a calm, rational, careful man, had also made this decision.
Something had felt right.
Maybe if I hadn’t spent the last few weeks trying to believe otherwise, I might have let myself see the things that past-me had seen so quickly.
I sat down on the bed.
And hit play again.
And again.
And again.
And that, that was exactly where Harrison found me some time later.
“I thought you left,” he said, voice small.
“I was going to.”
“But?” he asked, stepping closer.
I patted the spot beside me. There was only a short hesitation before he sat down.
“But I found this,” I told him.
Then I hit play.
