Her words mean so much to me, but I’m not sure I can believe them.
“I just don’t want you to think that the man I was last year is truly who I am. It isn’t. It was the most fucked-up version of myself.”
She leans back, and I miss her comfort as soon as she’s back in her seat. “Thank you for trusting me with all this. It can’t be easy, but I never thought that was who you are. I thought you were going through the worst chapter of your life and not dealing with it well.”
“I partied to forget, but there weren’t that many women. Fewer than you probably think.”
I don’t miss the way she stiffens slightly. “Why are you telling me that? It’s your business, not mine.”
“It matters what you think of me. I wanted to clarify where my head was at. Although you ran away from that kiss because you thought I would hurt you, so maybe that says something about my character even back then.”
She stands and walks over a few seats, wrapping her arms around her stomach. She stares at the field, and it’s obvious she’s struggling with something. I just have no idea what it could be.
Finally, she turns to me. “There’s something you don’t know about that night.”
Chapter
Thirty-One
Leighton
* * *
My stomach riots at the idea of telling Hayes the truth, but I have to be honest with him.
“What don’t I know?” He straightens in his seat, abandoning the Twizzlers, popcorn, and water.
“I’m a bad person.”
He huffs. “I doubt that, Leighton. You’re the nicest person I know.”
I stare at him for a moment. “Thank you for sharing all that with me. I was an outsider, seeing what your family went through last year. I tried to comfort Callie, and I would go visit your mom during some of her treatments at the hospital during my lunch break. You didn’t have to tell me all that for me to know you aren’t really the guy you were a year ago. I know how close you all are and how hard it had to be on you. And I understood it”—my head lobs back and forth—“to an extent, but I wish you’d had someone to lean on.”
Me particularly, but we’re not going to go there.
“You never had to worry about what I thought of you, but I guess this is good. Like a cleanse before we embark on a fake relationship. It will make us closer. Which is why I’m going to confide in you…”
His eyebrows raise.
“I’m not an admirable person, Hayes. When I ran away from you the night of our kiss, it wasn’t because I thought you would hurt me. In truth, I hadn’t processed that thought at that point, but it’s probably the conclusion I would’ve come up with.”
“Knife lodged and twisted.”
I break the distance and sit in the chair next to him. “Don’t. It’s a me thing. I mean, I actually have a list of…” I wave my hand. “Forget that… That night at the party, I um… I had a boyfriend.”
He stares blankly at me. So much that I wave my hand in front of his face.
Hayes blinks. “I’m just shocked. You kissed me when you had a boyfriend?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Yes. God, hearing you say that out loud feels like you have your finger on a bruise that is my guilt.”
“It’s just… all these years, I thought it was me. Was I drunker than I thought or was I a bad kisser. I mean, I didn’t really believe that last one, but if I was wasted and didn’t realize it, that might have made sense…” Now he’s the one rambling, and somehow, it’s endearing.
I’m just going to put it all on the table. Then there’s nothing between us. No secrets. “I had been dating this guy, Colby, and he’d already cheated on me once before freshman year, but I forgave him because we were technically broken up for a few hours. Anyway, we promised to make it work?—”
“You used me to get back at him?”
“No!” I practically shout and look around, but we’re alone of course. “I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you. But after the kiss…”
