“Sorry, Mum.Just thinking about you.Every season break it’s getting harder for me to leave the testing by the time I plan, and I don’t want you to be on your own,” Louie responds.
“I appreciate it.But I am okay.Truly.I’ve had time to adjust to this life.And I don’t want to influence your decisions and plans for how you live your life.”
Jill casts her eyes at me, slightly squinting.Assessing me, I ignore her stare and squeeze Louie’s hand.
“Let’s leave my love life alone, and talk about something else.”
Teddy moves the conversation to Marla’s final high school marks, and we celebrate her impressive effort and dedication.Koby catches my eye and offers a small smile.
After clearing up lunch, Jill and I bring our glasses of wine to sit in the lounge room.Koby follows us to sit in the lounge room.Louie, Teddy, Declan and Marla have made it into the pool, and Aria is coming out of her room.
Koby nods to Aria and offers.“I’m going to drive Aria to Court’s.Will be back in a bit.”
“Don’t be too long!We still have to play‘Who’s stuffing my stocking?’before the night is out.”Jill sings out.A tongue-in-cheek Christmas board game she has been talking about playing since she found it months ago.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”Koby smiles at me.Mischief in his eyes as he smuggles a smirk.Smiling back, I try to keep it small.This is a tremendous secret we are keeping from our family and closest friends.
“See you all a little later on,” Aria sings out, and they leave the house.
Taking a few moments to stare at the space Koby once occupied, my gaze slowly returns to Jillian sitting next to me.Her body, now facing me completely.Like we are two high schoolers sitting cross-legged on the lounge about to dish some juicy goss.Her eyes are wide with shock, but her mouth is a huge grin.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!You ARE finally seeing someone?!”She screaks loudly.
“Jill!”I hiss, willing her to keep quiet.Our grown children are just outside within earshot.If they had ridiculously amazing hearing.
She looks around, whispering with urgency.“There’s no one around.”
“Let’s go up to my room.I don’t want anyone to hear.”
We make our way up the stairs.The second floor landing was filled with suitcases, shoes, bags.And I love it.The house feels lived in again.
I click my door closed and motion for Jill to sit in the wingman chair at my desk in front of the window.
She walks over to it and smirks.“I don’t know if I want to sit on this.Have you and Koby been…utilising it?Or is it just a cuck chair kinda thing?”
“Jill!”I exclaim.Feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.
“I’m kidding.But seriously, where is it safe to sit?”Her mouth tugs up on one side as she points a finger around my room.
“Everywhere is safe.We haven’t slept together yet,” I bashfully reply.
“Oh.”Is her only reply before she sits on the extreme edge of the chair.
“I want to, but I feel…I don’t even know.Something is holding me back.We have heavy make-out sessions and done a few…things.I just keep stopping us from going any further.”
“With the amount of romance books you read, you would think you would have all the ideas.”Jill winks playfully at me over the wineglass she carted up here.
“It’s not about ideas.And all those characters are 20-something-year-olds!They don’t have creaky joints or saggy skin.Or have to time when they put their estrogen gel on and when to take their medication.I know those are all unrealistic, and that’s why I read them.Escapism.”
“Is it a Wesley hurdle?”Jill cuts to the chase for me.
“Probably.I mean, clearly, I haven’t even spoken to Louie about me and Koby.Even about dating anyone.And earlier showed me that he wouldn’t think anything of it, but it’s still an actual conversation I need to have.Maybe it’s also my self-esteem and body image as well.”
Jill pauses.“Well, one, take the opportunity of us all being here and talk to Louie about it.And remember.You are here.Wesley is not.He always wanted you happy.I want you to be happy.And by the size of that goofy smile you had sprawled across your face when he was looking at you before he left, Koby makes you happy.And for body image shit.You’re hot.Don’t discount yourself.And I saw how he looked at you.He sees you as you.You could melt butter on the look he was giving you, thinking of stuffing your stocking.”
Sighing, I look down at my left hand.My wedding band, still on my finger.Sitting with a pause around me.
“You could always move that to your other hand.I know you love that ring.So it could be your way of moving on but still acknowledging your first love while you make way for your next?”
