“I can understand that,” Nora said. “But you have to understand, none of this was conscious. You were an innocent child, we knew that, we loved you so dearly. We’ve always loved you dearly.”
Carver’s breath caught. “Then what? What was the fucking problem?”
“In hindsight, it was just, you know, the fact that there was a secret.” She shrugged helplessly and blew her nose again. “I tried to repress it, but I was afraid aspects would manifest in you that would make it obvious. And anything that was difficult about you felt like a referendum on me. As wonderful as your father is, I know he…” She lowered her voice. “Whenever your behavior was an issue, he would give me thislook. I don’t think he realizes he did that. He never did it with the other two.”
“Maybe that was just your guilty conscience acting up,” Carver said in a chilly voice. “Maybe you imagined it.”
“At times, perhaps,” she admitted.
“Does ‘anything difficult’ include my sexuality?”
“I suppose.”
“Did you suspect I was gay?”
“We discussed the possibility that you liked other boys, yes. Your father never wanted to believe it, but I could tell he saw an effeminacy in you. And we both thought you were vulnerable to it.”
“Vulnerable to what?”
“The idea. The culture.”
He absorbed this. “Do you think being gay is a bad thing?”
“No, no,” Nora said. “It just makes life more difficult, andotherpeople think it’s a bad thing, and I didn’t want that for you. It felt like piling on. I was worried you’d feel alienated, or have a hard time finding someone, or not be able to have children of your own. And when you were a child, AIDS was absolutely terrifying, and NAMBLA, and all these things. We worried about you being a victim or a tragedy. I thought you did like girls too, and that we could sort of steer you in that direction. I know this must sound like a lot of sophistry, but I mean it.”
This was the most honest his mother had ever been with him. Carver wondered where Doug had gone, but hoped he would stay there for a little longer while he interrogated her.
“You have this fixation on gay people getting molested into it, though,” he said.
Nora exhaled, dabbing her eyes again. “Carver, I’m sorry. I grew up in the fifties and sixties, and back then that’s how everyone thought it happened. They taught us that in health class, for God’s sake. And Ihaveknown gay men who had their first experiences with older men when they were teens.”
“Well, my first experiences were with Scott, and vice versa,” Carver said, staring her down. “Some right here in this house.”
She rolled her eyes and shrugged this off. “Is that supposed to shock me?”
Carver leaned forward, his elbows on his thighs. “Does it?”
“This is what we did to you,” she said, pointing at him. “This is what I’ll never forgive myself for. I bet you don’t even realize it, but you aresnarlingat me.”
Carver closed his mouth, which he indeed had not realized was slightly open and baring his teeth. “I was terrified of you finding out,” he said. “Terrified.”
“You should have been, we would have been furious.”
“Because it would have confirmed something was wrong with me? That I was a bad seed?”
“No,” Nora exclaimed.
“Except, yes! You just said that!”
“I know you think we hate you, honey, but I really feel like it’s the other way around.”
“Why didn’t you get a fucking abortion, huh? Why the fuck did you drag me into this mess?”
“Don’t you dare speak that way to me,” Nora said, leaning forward with sudden fury in her eyes.
“No, the hell with that, I deserve to know. I deserved to be aborted, quite frankly.”
“I loved you!” Nora shouted at him. “I was certain you were your father’s, and Ilovedyou!”
