It was peaceful out here. He could only dimly see where he was going thanks to the illumination of a few scattered floodlights. The air smelled sharp and fresh, like fresh-cut grass and the chemicals the club used to tame it. Carver went far, fast, sprinting all-out.
He began to come back into his head around the same time he felt his lungs start to burn, and he slowed a little. Someone was shouting behind him. Someone was shouting his name, actually. He slowed to a jog, then a walk, and then he turned around.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Scott was running toward him. It was obvious he didn’t run much, but he was tall enough to get away with it, crossing the remaining distance between them with relative ease. Carver stopped, panting, enjoying the familiar sear up and down his respiratory system.
“Oh my God,” Scott wheezed when he reached him, bending over with his hands on his thighs. “You’re so fucking fast. I might throw up.”
“Why’d you come after me?” Carver said, doing his best to stay upright as his inner ear abandoned its duties and black spots swam in his vision. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to say — okay, I was going to say I’ll leave you alone, this was stupid, we can both just go back to our lives, but I don’t — I don’t want you to, man —”
Carver turned from him and started walking again. He couldn’t deal with any of this. He would just walk toward the black horizon until he found the edge of it.
“Carv,” Scott said, catching up with him. “Carver.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Don’t want to hear what?”
“Whatever you’re trying to tell me.”
“I’m not fucking — I’m not saying we should be together — but I don’t think you should be with her —”
“Why not?” Carver said, wheeling around and abrupting Scott, who almost ran into him. “Because she’s fucking nuts? So what? I’m fucking nuts. And what did she say that was wrong?”
Scott reeled back from him and wheezed out a laugh of disbelief. “How about the way she said it?”
“What about it?”
“It’s not the way you talk to your spouse. It would have been more fucking normal if she was throwing shit at you. Whatever that was, it was notnormal.”
“I don’t need my shit to be normal, so drop that line.”
“Fine, it wasn’t healthy!”
“Okay,” Carver said, shrugging.
“Nothing about your life is healthy,” Scott said, gripping him by the shoulders. Carver didn’t resist him. He brought his face in close, leaning over, almost pressing their foreheads together. “Nothing about your life is healthy.Nothing about your life is healthy.”
“Okay.”
“This is the life of a person who hates himself.”
“I know,” Carver said. His guts twisted as he spoke. “I know, but that’s not her fault.”
“Carver,” Scott said, his breath warm.
“What would you do with me if you were her? You don’t even know. You think you want me, but you don’t know.” Carver pulled back and searched Scott’s face in the low light. All he saw was a tight mouth and large eyes. “And do you even want me?”
Scott was silent for a moment. “Yeah,” he said.
Carver exhaled, dizzied again. He didn’t know what to do with that except: “I don’t believe you.”
“Why not?”
“It’s hard for me to take you seriously. It’s not like you take to responsibility well.”
