“Wehavea sexual relationship,” Lillian said grouchily. “I could try with the prostate stuff again, as long as I can gag you or something.”
“See, I just want more than that.”
“I thought you’d like that idea. You’re impossible.”
“For you to fully please? Yes. Absolutely. And it’s not your fault. I just want out.”
“Okay, but I just don’t —” Lillian brought her hand to her forehead in an almost liturgical gesture. Carver knew this was very hard for her. She was so used to getting what she wanted. He felt irrationally guilty for letting her down. “You’re not stupid. I know you’re not stupid. But you don’t seem to be accurately pricing in the fact that a relationship with Scott probably wouldn’t work.”
“No, I am.”
“And you want to quit your job? Carver, why? I would rather you divorce me than have you quit. I would keep working with you even if we got divorced. We complement each other so well, you’d be throwing away a great thing for no real reason.”
Carver was surprised and deeply flattered to hear that she felt she needed him this much. “It’s felt hollow lately,” he said.
“Oh, my God, everything is hollow. You think your Scott doesn’t feel hollow? I looked him in the eye while he was talking about his career, he’s tired. I know some part of you, maybe the gay part, is secretly convinced that artists are high priests and the only real people alive, but everyone is equally fake. Everyone goes to work and performs the motions, no matter what their job is.”
“No, I don’t think that’s true,” Carver said. “I don’t. You know why? Because my parents really loved being lawyers, I could see it in them. Even when they were exhausted and burnt out. They loved it in a way I don’t love this.”
“But you’re very good at it.”
“I’m not good at it because I love it. I’m good at it because I looked at it, saw its benefits, and decided to be good at it. You don’t understand because the reason you’re good at it is thatyoulove it. You didn’t have to do any of this, you would have had a lot of money either way. Most women in your situation don’t choose a career like this, but you chose this because you love it. For you, this is your art.”
Lillian pondered this for a moment. “I do love it,” she said.
“Right. And imagine if suddenly you didn’t.”
“Yeah. I’d probably quit.”
“I want to know if there’s more out there for me. I just want to know.”
She reached up and took his hand. Carver was surprised, but felt no desire to pull away from her. “Finish out the year,” she said, squeezing him.
“I’ll definitely finish out Q2.”
“Come on. Do you want to be a bad leaver?”
“No, but I will be if you guys force me to be. I’m not negotiating from the position you think I am, okay? Consider me to have completely lost my mind and assess me from that standpoint.”
Lillian walked beside him in silence for a moment. “Okay, if you’ve lost your mind, does that mean you don’t care how our divorce gets spun to our friends? Because I do care about that.”
“I don’t plan on embarrassing you, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“But what are you going to tell people?”
“That we split up and I’m busy finding myself. They won’t care about the details. I’m the more disposable half of the couple.”
“Carver, don’t be an idiot, of course they’ll care about the details.”
“Well, then tell them whatever bad things about me you want to.”
“I don’t want to,” Lillian said, like he was again being an idiot. “You looking bad makes me look bad, even if we split up. I want to make you look good. I don’t want people to think you’ve gone crazy.”
“Why is what I want to do so crazy? We have friends who’ve been convicted of securities fraud. Why is it so appalling for me to quit my job and leave you to go fuck a guy who doesn’t have money?”
“It’s not appalling, it’s strange. It also makes it look like I wasn’t taking proper care of you.”
“No, it looks like I was lying to you about who I was and what I really wanted. You’re the victim here.”
