You could try being honest with me.
There’s a long pause after I send my text. Sometimes I wish I were a more patient woman, but after everything I’ve gone through in the last few weeks, the least he can do is start opening up to me.
The Boss: I will. I promise.
Promise is just a word, Alec. I need more than that. You can’t keep me on the outside of this. Not anymore. Not when it impacts me. Not when it gets me hurt.
He doesn’t answer. With a frustrated sigh, I toss my phone into the bedside drawer and turn back to Jade.
She’s sprawled on her back, lazily flipping through the hotel amenities book. “Did you know they have an in-house waxer? And they come right to your room.” She lowers the book, an evil grin on her face. “Want to get matching landing strips?”
“Absolutely not,” I say, collapsing next to her on the bed.
“Fine. We’ll do the full Brazilian.” She clicks her tongue. “But I have to be honest, I prefer having a little hair down there.”
When I don’t play along, she lowers the book again, frowning at me.
“Hey… You okay?” she asks.
“Yes. No? I don’t know.” I groan and drag my hands over my face. “I don’t even know how toberight now. I was attacked! A man died in front of me! And I haveabsolutelyno idea why any of this even happened!” I prop myself on my elbows, turning to stare at her. “And you want to know what the worst part is?”
“I feel like the ‘getting attacked’ part,” Jade offers dryly. “Or your ex being the world’s creepiest stalker.”
“No.” My voice drops. “The worst part is I don’t feel bad that he’s dead.”
And when my boys find Chase? I know exactly what will happen to him. And I don’t feel bad about that, either.
Jade purses her lips, considering me. Finally, she rolls onto her side to face me. “Do you remember Breanna Grant? From high school?”
“Of course.” How could I forget my best friend’s bully? The girl whose sole mission in life was to make Jade miserable. “Why?”
“Remember when she broke her leg in tenth grade and her parents kept her out of school for a month?”
I nod.
Jade laughs weakly, shaking her head. “I was so sure that was my fault. I used to pray every night that something bad would happen to her. Did I ever tell you that? I hated her so much.”
“I love you Jade, I truly do, and I know we had that Wiccan phase in middle school, but even I don’t think you could have caused her to have that skiing accident.”
“Irrelevant.” She waves my words away. “IthoughtI made it happen, somehow. And I felt terrible. Like, couldn’t eat fordaysterrible.”
“I’m really not seeing how this is supposed to be making me feel better,” I grumble.
“Shush, be patient. That month she was out of school? That was the best month of high school for me.” Her voice softens. “Best month for a lot of the kids she picked on, actually.”
“I’m not surprised,” I tell her. “She was awful.”
“By the time she came back, I didn’t feel guilty anymore. It felt like…” She pauses, mulling her words. “It felt like a good thing, what happened to her. Like her being hurt was a net positive for the world.” Jade watches me, her expression sober, voice gentler now. “You’re allowed to not mourn the people who hurt you, Sydney. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“It doesn’t make me a good one either, though.” I lift Bea into my lap, finding comfort in stroking her soft fur. “It’s just, you still…felt something. Sometimes when I get angry, it’s like the rage takes over. And I don’t feel guilt or remorse. Just pure, unbridled rage. My parents tried so hard with me, but once I got to that point, all I saw was red.”
“Oh, I remember,” Jade says softly. “The day they died? I know you blame yourself for what happened, but I feel guilty about it, too.”
“What?” I sputter. “How could it possibly be your fault?”
“How could it be yours?” Her voice cracks. “You were defending me! You heard Breanna call me…that word…and you just snapped and hit her.” Jade shakes her head, eyes welling with tears. “But Syd, that was just the first timeyouheard her say it. She said that to me nearly every day at that school, and if I had just defended myself, you wouldn’t have had to. You wouldn’t have gotten sent to the principal’s office, your parents wouldn’t have been called, and none of it would have happened.”
“That’s not on you! I have no control over my anger. Of course I was going to defend you, but asane and healthyperson probably would have used words!” My throat tightens. “I felt nothing when I hit her. No remorse, no pity,nothing. It wasn’tuntil the accident… It’s why I don’t let myself get this way anymore. I can’t control it.”
