Louisa thrashed all the more in Nick’s arms as Margaret attempted to guide her towards the stairs. She broke free, her stricken face turning to me. She screamed, as if she’d seen a monster. Her voice came hoarse and shrill, her eyes wide and horrified.
“It’s all right, darling,” Nick cooed, stroking her hair, her face, attempting to turn her head to look at him. “It’s all right, my little love. We’ll get you to bed.”
My bed, in my room. The room that was never my room at all. The room that was always Louisa’s.
The room with her rocking horse and her doll house and all her trinkets and dusky pink to remind her of a time when she was small, and safe, and unharmed. The haven that Nick created for her, so he could keep her, like his little doll.
And me, her replica.
Nick paused at the end of the hall, glancing briefly over his shoulder towards me.
“I can explain everything, Grace, if you’ll let me,” he said.
I couldn’t look at him. His sad eyes sent daggers through me.
I only watched, dismayed, as he and Maggie walked Louisa toward the elevator. The doors closed them in, and they were gone.
I was a fraud. A stupid, love-sick girl who had believed in a fantasy. That my world would open up like the pages of a fairytale after a lifetime of horror, with a man who saw who I was and loved me. The mortuary, the house, Nick, none of them were mine. I felt suddenly ashamed, a prize fool, just for standing in his hallway.
I was an imposter in Crowthorne House. I was a sham.Iwas the ghost who needed to be banished.
My skin crawled just to be within its walls. Even the clothes I wore were not mine, only leant to me, borrowed from a life I didn’t own. All that remained was my flesh, my own good purse in my coat pocket, and the key to Heather House.
“You don’t have to wait for him to come downstairs and give you his excuses, you know,” said Tom. “You can come back with me, right now. Show him you don’t needhim.”
He looked every bit the devil, with his anger-filled eyes and his heavy shoulders and his stance that spoke of a yearning for control, but he was the devil I knew. He was my only link to the Dales, to Heather House. To my home.
Desperation struggled with my conscience and won. I found myself nodding, helplessly nodding.
“Wait, Grace, wait a moment. Don’t go with him.” Eugenie was desperate to turn me to face her, her eyes searching to make a link with mine, but I wouldn’t see her. She didn’t belong to me, either. “I’m sure Nick will explain everything – ”
“Don’t listen to her, Grace. She’s another rich rotter from his world. None of them know what you need, what’s best for you. They’ve not an honourable bone in their bodies,” said Tom, his voice steady and matter-of-fact.
“Who the hell are you, except the piece of crapfriendwho grabbed her by the hair and told her shebelongedto you?” Eugenie spat her venom at him, her eyes wild. “You’re not taking her anywhere!”
I didn’t care where I went, as long as it was far from here. Returning to my black hole in the Dales, amidst the ghosts of my past, sounded good enough to me. At least the bed that I would crawl into would be mine. The sheet I would pull over my head and blot out the sun with would be mine. The black pool of despair that I clawed my way into would belong to me, entirely. I would shed this false skin and go home again.
What other choice did I have? What else did I have that was really, truly mine?
“Grace, you can come and stay with me,” said Eugenie,grabbing me by the shoulders. “Wouldn’t that be fun? Me and you, us girls. You don’t have to go anywhere with him.”
“You’ve done enough damage,” said Tom, eyeing Eugenie like she was filth on his boot.
Eugenie never broke eye contact with me, pleading with me, her face an inch from mine.
“Stay with me,” she said.
I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Not any more. I was already far, far away from her.
“I don’t belong here,” I said, on another sob, and shoved her aside. I felt a sham of a person, undeserving of her friendship, of the kindness in her eyes.
And besides, she didn’t know me, not really. She knew only what I wanted her to see. Like Nicholas, she had no idea what I was capable of. She didn’t know what I liked to do.
Her urgent pleas followed me, but I wouldn’t hear them.
Tom’s aggressive hand led me out into the rain, dragging me into his dark field, a lame horse destined for the bullet.
Chapter Sixteen
