She watched the flames dance for a long moment before speaking, desperate to recapture the warmth that had been there moments before. “I’ve been focused on her future and now that we have a chance to make her dreams come true, it occurs to me that I will lose her in the process. She will become a wife and a mother and I’ll be leftbehind. Probably looking after my mother.”
James’s brow furrowed, but there was something more guarded in his expression now. “What do you want? For yourself? Not Cecily. Not your mother.”
“I don’t know.” Her voice caught slightly.
“I don’t believe you.” But the words came out sharper than before, almost challenging.
Her mouth opened in surprise. “Why not?”
“Because a woman of your sensibilities and passions wants to live a full life. I want to know what a full life means to you. Do you want to keep working? Do you want a husband and family? A life in the city or the country?” He leaned forward suddenly, resting his forearms on his knees, but something desperate edged his voice now. “Tell me what you want.”
I want you.
“No one’s ever asked me that before,” Georgiana said instead.
“I’m asking you,” he said, his voice low, urgent, but she caught the frustration underneath. “I want to know everything about you, Georgie.”
The words made her fingers tingle, but she heard the emphasis on everything and felt the familiar nervous twist in her stomach. He wanted to know everything, but would he still feel that way if he knew her better? Were there things in her past that would make him look at her differently?
She felt tears prick at her eyes ad blinked them away quickly, but not before he noticed. His jaw tightened, and she saw something close off in his expression.
She swallowed hard. “I want to be loved and to love in return.”
He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”
She hesitated, feeling her hands tremble slightly around her empty palms. “I was so naive when I married Robert. I had no idea he had asecret life, one he’d hidden even from me. It was such a disappointment to realize that what I thought was between us was not at all what I wanted or needed. And it’s made me bitter and afraid to let anyone in.” Her voice broke on the last word, and she looked away, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze.
James’s face tightened, his knuckles white around the wine glass. “Robert was wrong to use you in that way. What he did is not about you, though. I hope you know that. You’re lovable, Georgie. Any man who enjoyed the company of women would give a limb to lie with you in bed.”
“What if that’s not true? What if I’m too ugly inside for anyone to truly love me?” The admission came out as barely a whisper.
“There’s not one ugly thing about you. Inside or out,” he said after a moment, his voice rougher than before, but she caught the doubt creeping in at the edges. “But I understand very well what you’re saying because I’ve believed it about myself.”
The fire crackled between them, and Georgiana found herself studying his profile, remembering the empty chair at dinner. “You didn’t join us for dinner tonight.”
His shoulders tensed. “No. I didn’t.”
“We missed you.” The words came out smaller than she intended. “I missed you. I thought perhaps… after this morning’s conversation was interrupted, you might not want to be around me.”
Something raw flashed across his features. “Christ, Georgie, no. That’s not—” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Isherwood insisted I dine in the formal dining room. Said it was proper. Said I was blurring lines that shouldn’t be blurred.”
“And you listened to him?”
“I sat alone in that mausoleum for an hour, listening to your laughter echoing from the kitchen below, feeling like the loneliest man in England.” His voice turned bitter. “Apparently that’s what lords do. Maintain distance to preserve dignity.”
Relief flooded through her, followed quickly by hurt. “But you still chose to listen to him over joining us.”
“Because he said.” James stopped, his jaw working. “Because he suggested that my behavior might be damaging your reputation. Yours and Cecily’s.”
“I see.” But she didn’t, not really. If he truly cared for her, wouldn’t he have ignored the butler’s concerns? Wouldn’t he have chosen her company over propriety?
The silence stretched between them again, heavier now. She watched him take another sip of wine, and when he spoke again, his voice was carefully controlled.
“I’ve told you how I’ve believed I was too broken for love. Family. A future that meant something.” He paused, his throat working. “When I was ten years old, I watched them take my father away. Watched them kill him for a crime he didn’t commit. And I learned that day that the world breaks things. Good things. Innocent things. That justice is a lie we tell ourselves. Yet, now, all these years later, redemption’s come to our family. To me. And I find myself questioning everything I once thought I’d take with me to the grave.”
Georgiana’s hand moved of its own accord, reaching across the space between them before she caught herself, her fingers hovering in the air before she pulled back.
He noticed. Of course he noticed. And something in his expression shuttered completely.
