I wake up the next morning feeling tired, sore and confused.
After Xaden left last night, I showered, but when I stepped back into his room and saw the bed stripped of the sheets I felt… cold. It was like he wanted to erase the reminder of what we had done as quickly as he could. That thought kept me company all night. It had me on edge and overthinking everything. When I went back to my room, trying to hide away and not face anyone, I soon realized Cas had left with Xaden when Harper came in.
She took one look at me then climbed in beside me and held me as I cried. No words needed to be said. She knew exactly what had happened and didn’t need me to spell it out for her. She held me as I sobbed quietly. For the first time in a long time these tears aren’t from lack of memories or missing my family, these tears are for me. Xaden forced me out of my head and made me feel something other than empty, and then he ruined it.
He stole that euphoric peace from me and spit on it.
If I’m honest with myself, these tears are for Kellan as well. I thought my first time would be with him. I had even planned it out and dreamed about it for years. Kenna knew how I wanted my first time with him to go. I thought I was over my silly childhood crush but I guess I was wrong.
I slide out of bed quietly and tiptoe to the wardrobe to grab my clothes before heading into the bathroom. I have a shift at the library this morning and tutoring.
I run through the motions on autopilot. I don’t see Cas or Xaden when I leave the house. Maddie is in a mood and I just don’t have the energy to deal with anymore shit, so I take what she throws at me and say nothing. As my shift draws to an end, Eugene walks in. He looks at me and nods which just has the air rushing out of me.
Last night may have been a fuck up but it showed me I can make my own choices. I motion to Maddie to give me five minutes. She looks pissed but I ignore it as I make my way toward my tutor, who is unpacking his things for our lesson. When I come to a stop by the desk in the back, he lifts his head and smiles. When I don’t return the gesture his drops.
“You’re firing me, aren’t you?” he asks dejectedly.
My shoulders droop. “I’m sorry.”
“Toren, I need this job,” he pleads.
I scrunch my eyes shut and take a deep breath, steeling my spine before I blink them open and face him. “Eugene, I know I need the help but the fact is, I don’t want to accept anything from my father and he’s the one who is paying you.” He nods but it's forced. “Look, if you want to keep getting paid you can. I won’t tell my father you have stopped tutoring me if you don’t.”
He balks. I raise a brow in retaliation telling him to take the offer without saying it. “What if he finds out?”
I roll my eyes. “Trust me, he won’t find out. He doesn’t even call or visit so you’re safe. Just keep updating him or whatever it is that you do to get paid.” I cringe when Maddie yells my name, then I shoot my former tutor a sheepish smile. “Catch you around, Eugene.” When I turn to head back to Maddie, I pause at the sight of Meekan.
He stares directly at me. I can tell from the way he is standing with his hands in his pockets and the slight crease in his forehead that he isn’t here by chance, he’s come for me. I sigh and blow out an exasperated breath, making my way toward him. Before he can say anything, I raise a hand silencing whatever he was about to say.
“Meek, I don’t know what the hell is going on between you, Xaden and Mase and honestly, I don’t want to know or have a part in whatever the hell it is.”
“Tor, let me explain?—”
“Sounds like it's time for you to leave,” Maddie says, cutting him off. I keep my surprise from splaying across my face at her defense of me.
Meek cuts an annoyed glance to Maddie but the girl doesn’t falter, she keeps that bored look in place as she holds his gaze. “This is between me and Toren,” he grits out.
I shake my head. “Meek, I don’t want to dredge up the past.” Surprise clouds his features at my admission. “I need to focus on the here and now, and constantly putting myself through the disappointment of not being able to remember that night isn’t good for me, and I need you to respect that.”
“I can help,” he implores.
I smile sadly and reach out to place my hand on his arm. “I wish you could. I really do, but you can’t.” I see disappointment flash in his eyes and I feel terrible, but I made a promise to myself this morning to stop chasing ghosts and let the past be. If it comes back to me, great, but if it doesn’t, then so be it. I need to live my life in the present and try to make this new life of mine work without being pulled down by the pain of that night.
He exhales and nods his head, then pulls me into a hug. I return his embrace, loving the feeling of familiarity he offers. “When you're sick of wondering, call me. I won’t force you to uncover the truth.” His words would have brought me comfort acouple of days ago, but now all they promise is pain and I don’t want that.
When I pull back, I smile up at him until I feel the searing heat ofhisgaze drilling into the side of my head, announcing his arrival. I choose to ignore him as I bid farewell to my friend. When Meek leaves, I don’t look to see the interaction with him and Xaden, I just move behind the desk to return to my task of sorting books.
“Go to the office out back.” I snap my head up and frown at Maddie.
“Huh?”
She narrows her eyes down at me. “Unless you want Xaden to rip you to shreds in front of everyone, get the fuck to the office now!” My eyes widen more in shock that she is being nice to me than hiding from Xaden. I drop the books and dash out of there. I keep my head down and ignore the snickers of other students who are studying. I pass by the rows of books until I hit the last one and dart right, then push the office door open. I close it behind me and release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I’ve only been in here once before. The room needs to be aired, it’s musty and filled with books that need to be restored. I move around the room, taking in the sight of the damaged books, wishing I knew how to restore them to their former beauty.
Seeing them scattered around the room and piled on top of the lone desk is sad, they still have so much life left in them yet they were put in here to be forgotten.
Like me.
I push that thought away just as the door bangs open. I scream in fright as I whirl around to face a pissed off looking god of death who is glaring daggers at me. I swallow audibly and back up a step when he takes one forward. I whimper when he narrows his eyes and slams the door closed. I look around for another exit but there isn’t one. Xaden prowls forward with aswagger only he can muster. I keep backing up until I slam into the bookshelf with a grunt.
