I don’t wipe the tears away as they continue to fall. I was so angry with my father and brother for not telling me what happened that night, but now I understand why. They were trying to protect me from the pain of my actions.
My actions.
It was my fault.
I ruined all of our lives and took the lives of three fucking innocent people. That thought alone has me heaving again. I hunch over the toilet bowl again but nothing comes out. I am a disgrace, I’m a murderer…
Murderer.
That’s what one of the students called me. Oh my God. Did everyone but me know about that night? The memes, it makes sense now why Harper was so shocked when I asked her about the fucking memes. She thought it was because I had no internet access at Walter House. Did Harper know what I did? I had planned to tell Cas about where I have been for the past year but after learning what I did, I don’t think I can. He would think I am a coward and that my father hid me away until the news died down.
I wish I could say that was true, but I know it wasn’t for that reason he sent me away. He wanted me out of the spotlight so I didn’t damage his career. My father was always good to us growing up, but my brother and I knew the true love of his life was his work.
“Get up.” I look to the entranceway and see Xaden standing there. He looks at me with utter disgust and I don’t blame him.
“I… I didn’t mean to?—”
“I said get the fuck up, Tink.” His tone is harsh and laced with dominance. I don’t know why I listen but I slowly push to my feet and use the wall to keep me steady on my feet. “Clean yourself up. Cas put your bags in your room.”
“My room?”
Xaden rolls his eyes in annoyance. “Unless you want to go back to your dorm room and have the shit beaten out of you again, then I suggest you get used to the idea of staying here.” Xaden doesn’t hang around, he leaves while I stand there staring at the empty space he just occupied. I didn’t expect him to offer me a place to stay. How he can stand to be around me after what I did is a mystery to me. I follow his instructions and splash some water on my face then look through the drawers and find a brand new toothbrush. Once I finish, I slowly creep out of the bathroom and make my way to the room I was in earlier.
I pause in the doorway at the sight of Cas sitting on the end of the bed with a picture frame in his hands. The sad look on his face has my breath hitching. He doesn’t lift his gaze from the frame as he speaks.
“Kenna was good.” A lump forms in my throat. “She was better than all of us.” My brows draw in at the hint of longing in his tone. Did Cas have feelings for her? He places the frame on the bed beside him and rises, locking eyes with me. “I’ll give you a ride to school in the morning. Get some rest.” He brushes past me without another word. I want to crumple to the floor and allow the grief and guilt to consume and pull me under the blanket of darkness, but I know the second I allow that to happen, I’ll never get up. I look around the room and suddenly feel claustrophobic. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, I can’t breathe. Panic starts to seep in and I need to get the fuck out of here.
I clutch my ribs and stalk out of the room. I have no idea where I’m going, but I just need to escape. I push the door open and dart my gaze around the empty hallway. I spot a door with an exit sign above it and rush toward it. I climb the stairs in a daze. When I reach the top, I push the door open and stumble forward until I grip the concrete edge. I finally manage to take ina full breath and then gaze out in front of me only to gasp. I’m on the roof and staring out at the lights of Somerset.
The view is breathtaking. A twinge of pain lances my side and I cringe. “I told you.” I shriek in fright and whirl around to see Xaden reclined on the ledge. He wears a black hoodie with the hood up. He lifts his hand and that’s when I see he’s holding a smoke. When he inhales and blows out a cloud of smoke, I smell it isn’t a cigarette but a joint. My face scrunches in distaste. Xaden narrows his eyes at me. “Bed rest, Tink. It's the only thing that will help, or you could come wrap your lips around this J and I promise you, it won’t just take away the pain but it will wipe your mind of all those guilty thoughts.”
I hate that I cringe from the double meaning. Now that I’m outside, my chest doesn’t feel as constricted and my mind isn’t as clouded, but Xaden being out here too has my anxiety spiking. There is just something about him. He isn’t like most guys. Xaden is just built… different. He has that lean muscular build. He’s the same height as Cas but that’s about where the similarities end. His presence alone has me wanting to flee. He oozesfuck offvibes. He doesn’t have to try to draw attention, he garners it just by entering a room. I don’t even know him but you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know these things, you can just feel it coming off him.
“I’ve… I’ve never done that stuff before and I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to take advice on clearing my mind from you.” The instant his eyes darken and narrow, my breath hitches. Xaden pushes off his perch and climbs to his feet. He towers over me, leaving me no choice but to crane my neck back to keep my eyes on his. I’m shrouded in his darkness and I instantly feel cold. I feel no heat wafting from his body, just a cold sense of dread. He keeps his gaze locked on mine as he lifts the joint to his lips and inhales. His cheeks hollow as he holds the smoke inside himself for a moment, then he blows it right into my face.I cough and splutter and wave my hand in front of my face to clear the air.
I glare up at Xaden when I manage to catch my breath. “Maybe you should stop listening to what your brother has told you about me.”
My brows draw in. “Masen didn’t?—”
“Believe half of what you hear and all of what you see yourself,” he says, cutting me off.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means not everything you hear is correct. When you see it for yourself, then make a judgment call, but don’t presume to know me based on rumors you have heard about my family, because I can promise you, Tink, the rumors aren’t even close.” He leans down until his lips skim against the shell of my ear, drawing a gasp from me. “We are much,muchworse,” he whispers. My eyes widen and the air rushes out of me. Before I can formulate a reply, Xaden pulls back, then takes another drag of his joint. I attempt to take a step back to escape the smell but he snaps his arm out, grips the back of my neck in a punishing hold then smashes his lips against mine. My mouth opens instantly to gasp and he uses that to his advantage and blows the smoke into my mouth.
I push against his chest and fight to get free but it’s futile, he’s too strong. Unable to hold my breath any longer I inhale. Xaden releases me instantly and steps back, I choke and begin coughing as a rancid taste fills my mouth. My head is spinning from coughing so much or, it could be because I am now fucking high!
Wait, am I high?
When I manage to get a hold of myself, I look at Xaden, ready to curse him and demand an answer as to why he would do that but he beats me to it.
“Your lips are as soft as they look.” My jaw unhinges in indignation at this foul male.
“How dare you?—”
He cuts off my angry retort. “I’m nothing like those Somerset fucks you are used to, Tink. Unlike them, I don’t wait around and hope to get what I want. When I see something that intrigues me or holds my attention for more than five minutes, Itakeit.”
“I am not something you can own, Xaden,” I snap, anger coursing through me like an inferno, but I’m finding it hard to latch onto and keep it present as I begin to feel… light.
