Guilt pierces through me, sharp and sudden. I gasp, and Kiernan reacts, holding me closer, biting my nipple gently between his teeth.
I try to shake away the memory of Reth’s face, those ice-blue eyes flashing with desire as he told me how good I tasted. But my body betrays me—arousal rushes between my legs, slick and undeniable, the memory and the present moment tangling together until I can’t separate them.
No. No, not now. Not here with Kiernan.
But I can’t stop it. Can’t stop remembering. Can’t stop wanting.
Panic grips me. I’m too hot, too close, suffocating under the weight of my own desire and guilt. I push away from Kiernan, and he groans with surprise as I scramble off the sofa.
“Alaya, what’s wrong?” His voice is low and concerned.
“I’m … sorry. I …”
What can I say that wouldn’t hurt him? That I was just thinking of Reth while he touched me? That my body responded to a memory of someone else?
“It’s been a bit of an overwhelming day. I just need more time to adjust,” I finally stammer out, slipping myself back into my dress.
It’s not entirely a lie. Todayhasbeen overwhelming. But it’s not the whole truth either.
Before he can say anything, I walk to the door and leave him sitting there, confusion and hurt written across his face.
Another lie. Another piece of myself I’m keeping from him.
How many more before there’s nothing left between us but secrets?
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alaya
The guilt doesn’t arrive slowly. It crashes over me all at once, a crushing weight that steals my breath and pins me to the floor.
One moment I’m standing, the next I’m drowning beneath memories I’d buried so deep I convinced myself they were gone.
Each remembered detail carves the longing deeper, feeding something dark inside me that grows teeth and claws.
By the next morning, I’m simply numb. I can’t get out of bed—won’t get out of bed—despite the incessant, muffled knocking on my door. Every time I close my eyes, they’re there—Reth’s ice-blue gaze, Domanikk’s cocky laugh, the weight of their bodies against mine. The wave of longing, of missing them, only feeds the self-loathing that coils in my chest like a living thing.
He came to me, of course he did.
Kiernan.
He loves me.
He sat by my bedside, his soft, warm hand clasping my cold one. The concern and pain etched on his face only made it worse.
I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t form the words on my lips. What truth could I have offered anyway, in reply to his questions ashe tried to understand the crushing weight that had descended upon me?
Today, at least, I’ve made it out of bed.
The fire roars in front of me, where I sit curled tightly in a blanket on the sofa. I’m cold, despite the heat pouring into the room.
Even sitting here, my mind won’t let me forget. It’s like a madness, everything reminding me of Heartwood. The fire, the smell of burning wood and cooking stew. Domanikk’s fiery yellow eyes, flaring with passion as he taught me the art of pleasure.
You’re allowed to miss them,one voice whispers.The sense of belonging they gave you changed you, shaped the strength you needed to survive.
You made a Bond,another voice counters, sharp and unforgiving.Forged of love and commitment to Kiernan. One that means more to you than life itself.
Deceiver,a third voice hisses, the cruellest one.Betrayer. You let them touch you. You wanted them to. You’re a failure and a whore.
