Freya appears along the path with Theo, Sophie’s classmate bounding up to tell her about his new watch.
“Bringing all three on the school run, you’re a hero Em!”
“I’m an idiot,” I reply. “There’s a difference.”
She laughs. “How’s Dan coping?”
The question shouldn’t feel loaded.
“Fine,” I say. “He did the morning.”
“Ooooh,” she teases. “We love growth.”
I smile, but it’s thin.
Did he do the morning? Technically yes. The kids were dressed. The forms were signed. The PE kit materialised like magic. But he didn’t wake at 2:13 a.m. when Ruby grunted. He didn’t lie awake at 4:47 wondering if Sophie’s cough sounded worse. He didn’t mentally rehearse the week ahead while staring at the ceiling. He did the visible part.
Freya tilts her head. “You look shattered.”
“I had a baby three weeks ago.” I shrug. “And I’m tired.”
She softens. “Are you okay?”
I open my mouth to say yes.
Instead, I shrug, knowing that there’s too many ears around.
That’s the problem with Oakwood. You can’t say too much. Everything becomes currency. Information travels faster than the Year Three WhatsApp group.
Clara glides past us, looking gloriously put together but in a non-judgemental way.
“Good morning,” she says lightly.
“Morning,” we chorus.
She gives Ruby a brief glance. “She’s lovely. You’re so brave being out and about with her.”
There it is again.
Brave.
As if three children is a personality flaw.
“Or reckless,” I say, before I can stop myself.
Clara smiles. “You’ve got this. Even if you feel like you don’t. Motherhood is tough!”
Eleanor swoops past us smelling of something expensive and floral. “Not for everyone it’s not.”
Freya makes a tiny choking noise beside me and Clara scowls like her life depends on it.
But the truth is, I do often wonder if that’s true. If everyone finds motherhood as hard as I do or if I’m flawed, if Ruby was one child too many.
I brush the thought out of my head.
I look down at her soft, sleepy face and feel a flicker of defiance. Ruby isn’t a mistake. She’s chaos and noise and milk stains and she is perfect.
But the word balance lingers.
