I swallowed and looked up at Aunt Jolene. The way she looked back at me made me blush and fumble to hand her phone back to her. I knew I’d be searching for those photos later when I should’ve been studying. “Y-yeah?”
“You’ve got hearts in your eyes, babygirl.” She sighed and rolled her head back and forth. “Are you being safe?”
I blushed harder for some reason. “We’re not fucking, Aunt Jolene!”
“I meant with your heart.” She stood up and went to the fridge just to open it and shut it again without grabbing anything. “You’ve got a precious heart and it’s a big thing, honey, oozing hearts all over the place.”
I frowned and leaned back in my chair. “Are you okay, Aunt Jolene?”
She yanked the wig off and threw it down on the table. The canister of glitter fell over and coated my book. “I’m having a-”
“Jolene!”
We both turned as someone shouted her name from the front yard. I peeked out the window and saw Elvis standing thereholding what looked like a dozen or more jumpsuits. He was in his boxers and nothing else.
I glanced over at her and raised my brows. “What the hell is that about?”
She threw open the window and stuck her head out. It was a meeting of impersonators without their ‘faces’ on. “How dare you come to my house after what you did, Elvis!”
“After whatIdid?! You cut the crotch out of all my jumpsuits, woman! I have an act in Austin tomorrow!”
“Well, just play with your dick out, like you did with that store brand Martha Stewart!” Aunt Jolene grabbed a mug that hadn’t been cleaned in weeks and chucked it out of the window. “I hate you, Elvis! I turned down a date with a Clooney impersonator for you! Clooney!”
I stopped hiding and glared out the window at Elvis. “You cheated on my aunt?!”
He dodged another mug and angrily pointed at Aunt Jolene. “I did not! I never touched Martha! And that Clooney is a pathetic copy of the real deal. He’s also married with six kids, Jolene!”
She screamed and chucked a spatula at him. “Men! You’re all the same! You can’t keep your dick in your pants and you’ll never stick to just one woman, no matter how amazing she is!”
“I sure as hell can’t keep my dick in my pants now, woman! What am I supposed to do with these jumpsuits, Jolene? This is a hard fabric to match! And my rhinestone guy is on vacation in Miami!”
“Is that all you care about?! Your stupid jumpsuit? Fine! Fuck your jumpsuits and see if they call you daddy, asshole!” Aunt Jolene slammed the window shut and turned on me. “We’d be better off killing all men and turning to a life of lesbianism. I know you’re just born gay or you’re not but I think I could do it if I tried hard enough.”
“Some people think it’s a scale?” I looked out the window and saw Elvis staring longingly at the front door. “Are you sure he cheated?”
“He’s a man, Cass. If he didn’t already, he will. They can’t help themselves. What would they do if they couldn’t hurt a woman? This is why I was telling you to be safe. You give your big heart to those boys and they’ll cut holes in it to turn it into a bong or something.” She screamed again and threw up her hands. “I’m never dating again!”
I watched her storm off and looked back outside to see Elvis slowly walking away, dragging his jumpsuits behind him like a sad little boy. I wasn’t sure if he’d cheated or not but I was sure he didn’t want to lose Aunt Jolene. I was also sure that Aunt Jolene was a little crazy.
I sat back down at the table and stared at my glitter covered book. Sighing, I tried my best to get it back to the way it was but it was useless. Glitter had seeped into every nook and cranny. When I went to the bathroom later I saw that it was all over my face. I went to Aunt Jolene’s room to ask if there was a special way to get it off but when I pushed open her door I saw that she was back to her best.
She adjusted her tight red dress and then spritz on an alarming amount of hairspray. “What’s up, honey?”
“I thought you were sad?”
“I’m not going to stay in this house and let Elvis win. I’m going to go out and find a date.”
“But I thought you wanted to kill all men?”
She grabbed my shoulders and grinned. “That’s just something I say.”
“What about saying the Ford brothers would turn my heart into a bong?” I was fighting the urge to laugh. Even for Aunt Jolene she was being a bit nutty.
“What the hell do I know? Do whatever you think is going to be the most fun without destroying you completely later.” She pressed a kiss to my forehead and shrugged. “Maybe don’t take relationship advice from me. I’m still learning myself. Dolly wrote a bunch of songs about love but no matter how much I sing ‘em, they just won’t sink in.”
33
***Hayes***
