I lied to everyone and told them that I lost the baby in the first trimester. I had to come up with something because the case made the local news, and everyone in my hometown knew I ended up pregnant because of what happened to me.
I had just turned eighteen. I was the cheer squad captain and was dating the star quarterback. My boyfriend was supposed to drive me home after the championship game, but he never showed up, which made me angry. Angry enough that I thought I’d be safe from the predators of the world, and chose to walk home instead of calling my parents for a ride. It was almost midnight, and I didn’t want to bother them—especially since they hated my boyfriend. I didn’t want to give them more reasons to think ill of him.
During that short walk home, I was attacked in the worst way a woman can be. He came out of nowhere and grabbed me from behind,holding me down and tightening his grip on my throat the harder I fought back. So I just lay there praying for it to be over.
He left me bleeding and broken. I couldn’t breathe or move. All I could do was stare into the night sky and wonder why this had happened to me. I was a nice girl. I went to church. I kissed my parents and reminded them I loved them whenever I left the house.
Why me?
When my phone rang as I was lying there, I answered it, just going through the motions. Hearing my mother’s panicked voice on the other end asking where I was broke what was left of me. She and my father came and picked me up immediately and took me to the police station to file a report before I was sent to the hospital to get checked out.
What we didn’t know at the time was that this monster had assaulted other girls in our area. Raping them and leaving them broken just like he did to me.
But I was the only one left with more than a broken soul. It was a small town, and within a week of finding out, the news had spread like wildfire that I had gotten pregnant by my rapist. I naively confided in a friend, and she told her parents, who were members of the same church as my family. I didn’t know how to face the people in my town. And I wasn’t sure how the aftermath of having my rapist’s child would affect my child or me. I knew in my soul that I couldn’t handle getting an abortion. Not because I saw it as something wrong, I didn’t—I don’t. I would never judge a woman for making that choice for herself.
It just wasn’t my choice; I had already fallen in love with this little soul growing inside of me.
My parents acted like the baby didn’t exist. I think they expected me to feel the same way, that it was something wicked taking residence in my womb, so I let them believe that. I dropped out of school and finishedonline so that I could hide myshamefulsecret from the world for my parents’ sake. However, I didn’t find my pregnancy shameful.
I was ashamed of myself, but never her.
I hated myself. I hated how weak I was and that this baby would have to grow up without me because I wasn’t strong enough to keep her safe from the monster that gave her to me.
Giving her up for adoption was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I knew she would be safe fromhimif he ever came back. She deserved better than to be known only by what her monster of a father did. I made her a promise before I had to hand her over to the social worker. A promise to keep the secret of her creation to myself until the day I die. It’s the one thing Icangive her—to keep her safe.
Lying about her existence is my biggest and most shameful secret. It festers in my soul like a slow-burning fire just waiting to engulf me from the inside out.
It’s why I can’t let myself become a mother—I already failed one child in this lifetime. I don’t deserve a do-over.
Nobody in my life knows that she exists outside of my parents. And they passed away in a car crash right after I left for college. Now I’m the only one left to carry the secret of my daughter’s existence, and it’s heavier than I could have ever imagined.
After that, I was entirely alone for the first time. I had just started school here in North Carolina. I had no friends, no parents, no baby. No one.
It was the darkest time of my life, and I struggled to survive every moment of the day. I thought about ending my suffering myself countless times. That is, until I stumbled into this same cafe I’m sitting in now and saw two random strangers sitting outside at my go-to table, reading and talking about my favorite thriller books. It may have been a touch creepy to watch them from afar for a couple of weeks, but I was too nervousto approach them. Until one day, while ordering my favorite chocolate croissant, Taylor and Madeleine, the cafe owners, asked if I wanted the last three for free since they were closing soon.
Those three chocolatey desserts gave me the courage to approach Teagan and Lexi.
I’d like to credit fate for putting them in my path when I needed them most, but I also credit Taylor and Madeleine and their superior baking skills.
Teagan and Lexi happily let me into their little book club duo with a finesse and ease that felt like I was sent by a higher power to find them. Someone who knew I needed help saving myself.
After that, the three of us were inseparable, and a few years later, we decided to start our own podcast. Now,Live, Laugh, Murderhas over 500,000 subscribers, and we’ve recently started selling our own merchandise on the website Lexi made for us.
I grab my phone to check the time for what feels like the hundredth time and roll my eyes because the girls are late. Teagan is typically on time, but Lexi is notoriously late by a few minutes. Usually, these little quirks are endearing, but not today. Not when I’m seconds away from exploding with earth-shattering news and excitement. I knew I should have just texted them and told them in the group chat!
My phone vibrates in my hand. A text from Lexi says she’s looking for parking now.
Lexi is never this late, so whatever or whoever kept her up all night must be worth it. She’s been the only one in our friend group not to settle down in the last few years. She says it’s because she’s keeping her options open, but that doesn’t stop her from having a wickedly fun timeafter hours.
Sometimes I’m envious that she is so confident and sure of herself that she can let herself have fun like that with no attachments. But then I look at Lee and me and fall in love with love and commitment all over again.
“Sorry, I’m late,” Teagan says as she sits next to me on one of the wrought-iron chairs the cafe has outside. “I was dealing with Cara, aka, the worst future-mother-in-law on the entire planet, by myself after Josh got called into the office.”
I roll my eyes. “And what type of architect emergency could there be?” I wince and flash her a strained smile, knowing how upset she gets when she has to deal with Cara alone. “It’s fine. I just have the best news that I’m dying to share with you and Lexi,” I tell her as I hand her one of the three coffees on the table. “But sorry about Cara. She sucks.” Teagan nods before grabbing her drink of choice.
Teagan is a solid mocha-latte girl, and Lexi would murder someone for a pink dragonfruit tea. I prefer my coffee black with a splash of milk and honey.
“Cara does suck. But tell this news of yours!” she exclaims before looking around. “Wait, where’s Lex?” Teagan asks as she brings her cup to her mouth and blows gently.
