And I’m back to work with my other mental distraction. The Zoe Marshall case.
A burst of laughter from the break room snaps me upright.
Everything around me is awake, and I’m in a daydream.
I should be prepping myself to talk to Callum about this Zoe report. Instead, my pulse keeps replaying Anton’s stiff posture in the shed. He was different. Vulnerable.
First, when he told me about his ex-wife and best friend.
Are they what makes putting distance between us so easy for Anton? Does he not want to ever commit again?
Then…when he asked me about the crib. As if I’d ever not want something so beautiful for our child. Our baby already has more commitment from him than I ever had from the man who made me.
I don’t think about my father often. He’s more of a shadow than a person at this point. But apparently becoming a mother flips every buried file in your emotional archive upside down because suddenly, the comparison is unavoidable.
Anton has already shown up for our child every single time I’ve asked him and even when I’m not looking.
So why did watching him slide so easily into partner mode make me want to disappear for the rest of the weekend?
Am I in this deeper than I think?
My phone buzzes.
Mom
Grandma is coming up for the scan too if that’s okay?
My stomach drops.
Great. As if thinking about one emotional giant wasn’t enough. Let’s add my mother to the equation.
Anton and Mom in the same room.
Two forces colliding.
Both are intimidating in completely different ways.
I don’t think Anton would mind her being there at the appointment…But I haven’t asked yet. Still, he told me to invite family and friends anytime.
I’m not sure that he meant to our medical appointments, though.
I text back.
Me
Sounds great.
Mom
K Baby. See you soon.
I rub my palms down my thighs. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.
I stare at my mom’s message, and the truth lands with a thud. Maybe my wanting to be friends with Anton is less about him and more about my mom.
Maybe it’s about everything she passed on to me—intentionally or not—about strength meaning independence, about never needing a man, about never depending on someone who could leave.
Am I scared of attachment…just because she was?
