I shook my head, realizing that, in the fog and distraction of what I was going to say to Ben, I had momentarily forgotten about the baby.
“Do you need new clothes? Let’s get you a new diamond—something bigger and better than my grandmother’s.”
I put my hands on his shoulders, smiling at his excitement, surprised that I couldn’t see how much he loved me before when it wasobviously there the entire time. “Holden, relax. It’s just me. I don’t need a thing.”
I knew I should have added,Except for you.But, as hard as I tried, the words were stuck like a hamster in a tube too small. I tried to back them up, move them forward, topple them feet over head. But they wouldn’t budge. And so I said, “I’ll keep you posted.”
“I’ll keep you posted too. I’ll find the perfect place.”
I felt those anxious tears rising in my throat. I wanted to thank him. But, suddenly, the idea of moving, of uprooting my life, of getting a divorce, of having a baby born in the midst of that, of trying to make a new life with a man that was comfortable, sure, but wasn’t necessarily the love of my life, was too overwhelming to face. So I just nodded.
And with that, I got back in the car and sped out of the driveway. I examined the house as I passed by, the white, two-story brick with the pretty flower border along the cobblestone path and the three-car garage. The oak trees in the front yard were stately and beautiful. It was a perfect specimen of an old Raleigh home, of the kind of place where you couldn’t wait to see a pink or blue bow as you pulled up the driveway. There was a huge backyard with the perfect corner for a swing set, a shed for toys galore and a bright, sunny spot for growing vegetables. The master bathroom was huge with two sinks and a separate tub, and the kitchen was out of a chef’s imagination. It was everything I could ever want, everything that I knew Holden would find for us wherever we made a life together. And yet, I couldn’t really see myself in any of it.
But I’ve done the heart-racing thing,I reminded myself. And it hadn’t worked. So safe and secure would be just fine. It wasn’t about me anymore. I had a baby to think of now.
I looked down at my phone and noticed that I had three missed calls from Rob.
“Shit,” I said under my breath, frantically dialing. I had been so convinced that I had to get to Raleigh right that moment before I lost my nerve to tell Lovey what I had found out, that I had forgotten to call Rob and tell him I wouldn’t be in until the afternoon.
“Please don’t fire me,” I said, as he answered.
He laughed. “I’m just glad you’re all right. What on earth is going on?”
I looked at the phone and said, “I don’t feel like I can tell you over the phone with the NSA and God knows who else listening in. I’ll fill you in when I get there this afternoon.”
I said it like it was nothing, not even realizing that I felt totally safe trusting Rob with all of those deep, dark secrets that I thought were better hidden away. I merged onto the highway and said, “I’ll be there right at two.”
It occurred to me, as I set the cruise control, that, while marrying Holden and having security for my baby seemed like the best option, of everything in Salisbury, I knew I’d miss my job the most.
Lovey
Gypsies
August 1951
My momma always told me that you should never stop holding hands, that just holding hands could keep a couple connected through the hard times. And Dan had never held my hand that tight before. He knew how nervous I was about seeing his parents again.
And the expansive front porch of their massive waterfront home in New Bern’s picturesque downtown didn’t help my nerves. I was a simple farm girl raised on fried chicken and vegetables I picked myself. It also didn’t help that the light drizzle falling on the sidewalk had made my flowers wilt and my hair grow. And suddenly the polka-dot dress that I had been wearing the night Dan and I reunited in New York felt all wrong. I ran my free hand over my hair, trying to salvage what I could of my style.
“Don’t worry. They’re going to love you,” Dan whispered as he turned the doorknob and crossed the threshold.
You couldn’t help but look up in the grand foyer, flanked by the living room on the right and the dining room on the left. The chandeliers in all three rooms were like something from a movie set. Crystal fixtures so huge that it made you wonder how many men it took to hang them. I didn’t have long to stare, though, before Dan’s mother was practically running into the entrance hall, throwing her arms around her son’s neck, breaking his grip with mine. She was much taller than I had remembered, much taller than I was, which made her even more intimidating.
And her joy for her son, when directed my way, turned into an icy handshake and, “Well, hello there. I guess you married my Dan.”
As though I had hog-tied him and dragged him down to the courthouse, him fighting tooth and nail to break away from all five feet of me.
“Honey, I’m home,” Father White called as he entered the back door, his voice dripping with that Southern, aristocratic accent that Dan also possessed to a lesser extent. He hugged me warmly and said, “Well, my dear, didn’t you grow up nicely? How are your folks?”
Relief flooded over me like warm bathwater. At least someone in this family would act civilly toward me. I nodded and said, “Very well indeed. Thank you for asking.”
Then he kissed his wife and said, “Sorry, darling. I had a few sick I needed to visit before I came home for supper.”
She replied haughtily, “I know duty calls, but, for heaven’s sake, the meal is going to be a mess if we don’t sit down.”
Jane tapped a buzzer with her foot, and two uniformed maids swept through with an array of food so beautiful that I thought I might could eat it, sick as I felt.
“Well, yes,” she said. “We would have liked to invite your parents to dinner to get to know them. We don’t want them to think we’re ill-mannered. But when you run off and get married like some sort of gypsies, it’s rather hard to follow society protocol.”
