“You controlling your pain, Miss Lynn?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s controlling me,” I said. “Tell me something else to keep my mind off of it.”
“Well, my daughter’s pregnant again.”
I tried to smile through my grimace and said, “Congratulations.”
“Not really. My husband Ray and I cain’t understand that girl. This will be her fourth baby by two different fathers, and she ain’t thought about marrying a one of them. She’s a good girl, but it’s like she missed that chapter of the Book or something.”
Sally crossed my mind. My sweet, beautiful adulteress Sally. I had no doubt that she would keel over like a sailboat in a strong wind if she knew I knew. But mommas always know. I had spent so many sleepless nights worrying about her actions, wondering what I could have done differently as her mother. But at the end of the day, it was like I said to Luella, “We can have them in Sunday school every week and in that front row where the preacher’s sneezing on them. But we can’t control our children any more than we can control that last breath.”
As if on cue, Sally stepped through the door, saying sunnily, “Hi there, Luella.” Then she added, “I can take Momma to the bathroom. I’m sure you have tons to do.”
Luella nodded. “I’ll come check on you in a bit, Miss Lynn. And don’t you worry. When you get back across the street, I’ll come look after Mr. Dan.” She winked at me. “I can tell already you won’t be needing any looking after.”
I looked at Sally, her eyes flashing. And it occurred to me that, though I didn’t agree with her choice, though I wondered how someone so sensitive could wound the people around her so fatally, she was undeniably happy. Maybe it was that she never had to reach that point in life where loving someone becomes mundane. Because, the entire time they were together, the man she loved was always a secret, always a thrill. Like the rush Katie Jo used to get from sticking a bottle of fingernail polish in her purse, my Sally must have been addicted to that feeling of first-time, brand-new, might-slip-through-your-fingers love.
But the thing that no one ever tells you about being in love is that, for every percentage that person makes you feel what you expect—that deeply rooted, grounded security—they have double that power to make you feel uprooted, wandering and totally lost. I had felt it, and I didn’t have to ask my son-in-law Doug to know that he had felt it too.
But, of course, I didn’t say any of that. All I said was, “I am so glad to see you, my darling girl.”
And that’s the thing about your children. No matter what they do or how much you disapprove or how much you wish you could change their actions, you love them madly all the same. At the end of the day, that’s the only choice that truly matters.
Annabelle
Genetic Mutation
You can be the sunshine or you can be the cloud. And, if you can possibly choose, the sunshine always wins more friends. Without fail, even when the going got really tough, Lovey was the sunshine. Mad at her as I was, old habits die hard. I might not have agreed with her choices, but her voice was still the one in my head, guiding me, ironically, to the right thing. So, before I walked into work that morning, I channeled my inner Lovey, put on my best sunshine face and crossed my fingers that I could make it through the day sans emotional breakdown.
“I can’t wait to tell you what we’re doing this morning!”
Father Rob was so excited that I momentarily forgot about the fact that my husband was having an affair with my only friend in town. My Lovey was not anywhere near the person I thought she was. She was still laid up in a nursing home recovering from her broken hip, so I couldn’t even have a conversation with her about it. And, to top it all off, I was pregnant. That was a lot of things to forget.
D-daddy was, predictably, back to his mute, sleeping-twenty-hours-a-day self after the exertion of coming back a bit during the emergency, surgery and hospital stay. I was facing so many personal crises that I was that poor, frightened deer in headlights. I knew I needed to run, but both of the directions that had previously been so safe were blinding and terrifying.
“I can’t wait to hear,” I said, but Rob already knew me too well to accept my fake enthusiasm.
He cocked his head. “What’s wrong?”
I raised my eyebrows. “How much time you got?”
He grinned even wider, and it was almost as if he was having to control himself from jumping up and down. “I have two hours because we’re going to go see Lovey!”
I shook my head vehemently. “I just got back from Raleigh, and, furthermore, I’m not sure I can deal with her right now.”
I have to admit that I felt a little guilty when his face fell. “Can’t deal with Lovey? Is she not the same since her surgery?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, it’s not uncommon for older people to be very cranky for a couple of weeks while the brain is recovering from the trauma of being put to sleep.” He paused. “Hey, have you had any surgery lately?”
I didn’t want to, but I smiled the tiniest smile. “I am not old, mister.”
He squeezed my shoulder. “All I know is that the Holy Spirit commands me to Lovey’s bedside today, so I must go. Should you choose to accompany me, there will be snacks and a box set of all of James Taylor’s hits.”
I couldn’t remember if I had told him how much I loved James Taylor, but, when you got right down to it, pretty much everyonewith functioning ears loved James Taylor. His voice had such a soothing yet masculine quality, kind of like drinking champagne while lying on an animal skin by a crackling fire. I shrugged. “What can I say? You had me at snacks.”
For how terrible I was feeling, it was hard to believe that I lost myself in that drive, in the Bugles and Reese’s cups, the “Up on the Roof” and, of course, “Carolina in My Mind.”
