Per-fect
Everyone needs a little struggle in her life because, when it’s all said and done, it’s the struggle that makes you strong. As I lay in bed that night after a beautiful dinner at the very upscale Chesca’s, hearing D-daddy’s snores through the doors of our adjoining rooms, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Lovey was a little too old to have to struggle now, if she wasn’t strong enough already. Maybe it was that she was so practiced at the life she was leading now, but she acted as if this horrible time seeing her husband in decline was business as usual. I was just his granddaughter, and, watching a nurse butter his bread and feed it to him, seeing the stares of the other patrons as she cut his meat, it took away part of that essence of D-daddy, that strength that he had, the way you knew he would always be there to protect you. Her entire world had collapsed in an instant, taking away the man that she had loved for a lifetime.
My mom and aunts, they whispered when she was out of earshotthat she’d never move into assisted living. She talked a big game, they’d say, but, at the end of the day, she couldn’t part with all her things. And, while we all agreed that that level of security would probably be nice for her, I felt like maybe she’d had enough change, that having the strength to live the life she was living and still hold her head high was enough to have to deal with without having to pare down all her worldly possessions and move somewhere new.
On our walk back to the Harbor View after dinner, I had said, “I don’t know how you do it, Lovey. Taking care of him all day, every day must take an incredible toll on you. Traveling with him, taking him out to eat all the time...”
She had just shrugged. “I’m not going to hide him away like some sort of shameful secret. He might be an invalid, but he isn’t dead.”
She stood up a little straighter.
My heart ached to remember that Ben was thirteen years older than I, and that, chances were, I was going to be facing this same fate one day. I exhaled deeply and heard Ben’s voice in my ear:You can’t worry so much, TL. Today is all we really have.
I smiled and let myself go back to that wonderful night that changed my world forever.
After I’d slammed Holden’s car door during the epic cruise-control argument, I didn’t know things were over between us. But he wasn’t the kind of man who would come after me when we were fighting. So I didn’t waste my time looking out the window or dreaming of hearing footsteps on the concrete stairs up to my third-floor condo. As I picked up the phone to call my best friend Cameron to see if she wanted to go out, I realized it: I didn’t care if I ever saw Holden again. I wasn’t angry. I just really, truly didn’t care. Had I ever loved him? I guess we always ask ourselves that question in the aftermath of what we think will be the rest of our lives.
Cameron answered the phone breathlessly, “You have to go out with me tonight!”
“I was planning on it.”
As Cameron told me that this sexy guitarist whose YouTube videos she had helped go viral was playing at a tiny bar that night, it hit me that, though I was nearly positive I would marry him anyway, I had no real feelings left for Holden. But the thought of the calligrapher three-quarters of the way through addressing those engraved invitations was too much for me to take. The humiliation of having to send those Save the Date follow-up cards saying,We regret to inform you that the wedding of Annabelle and Holden will no longer take placewas more than I could stomach.
“Whatever you want,” I heard myself telling Cameron. “But you have to pick me up because I’m going to be in a condition tonight that you haven’t seen since freshman year.”
I realized how out of place I was going to look in the bar wearing the pink seersucker Lilly Pulitzer dress that Holden’s mom had bought. It was entirely too prissy for me, much too “Sure, I’ll stay home and iron your underwear, sweetheart.” That dress looked like the woman Holdenshouldmarry.
I slid into the passenger side of Cameron’s Camry (or CAM’SCAM, as her license plate said) and laughed at her getup. Frayed jeans that looked like she’d had them twenty years, a faded T-shirt with the armholes cut off and a deep V torn, a bandana wrapped around her head, and one feather earring. “Is this some sort of costume night?” I asked.
She looked back at me. “I don’t know, pink princess. Is it?”
“I was trying to look like Holden’s fiancée.”
“And I’m trying to look like Ben Hampton’s.”
I nodded. “Can we smoke?”
She raised her eyebrows. “You haven’t smoked in like a year. What about your fresh baby-making eggs?”
I groaned. “I know this is what I’ve planned since we were in kindergarten, but I feel like my life is going to end the day I walk down that aisle.”
Cameron handed me a lit cigarette. “Duh. That’s why I’m single.” She smiled. “That, and that Ben Hampton is my soul mate.” She sighed deeply. “We’ll probably never marry, just pledge our lives to each other like Brad and Angelina.”
I rolled my eyes. “Maybe you can wear vials of each other’s blood around your necks too.”
She sighed wistfully. “Maybe.” Then she cut her eyes. “But you are aware that that was with Billy Bob, right?”
“I getPeople, Cameron. Of course I know that. But clearly your subscription isn’t up to date.”
“What do you mean?”
I laughed. “Brad and Angelina got married.”
“No. Are you serious? That is so annoying.”
“Yeah. Like forever ago.” I gave her my best faux-supportive smile and patted her hand. “Listen, am I crazy to marry Holden? I mean, is my life going to be the most boring thing imaginable?”
“Holden is...” Cameron paused. “He’s dependable. He’s predictable. He’ll never let you down. He’ll never cheat on you. He’ll always have his secretary buy you something amazing from Cartier for your birthday. I mean, he’s kind of that guy that is great husband material.” She paused again, and looked at me as we pulled into the parking lot. “But, damn, Annabelle. You’re twenty-two years old. And you’re the most amazing girl I know. You just deserve more than that.”
