“Can you go tonight?”
“Tonight?” It’s already eight o’clock. “I sort of had plans.”
“Please?” Her voice is pleading. “It’s only a few hours. You can be back in time to go out. You’re all up until two a.m. anyway, right?” She laughs, but it sounds more nervous than amused. “Just take a quick look through all the rooms to make sure the roof didn’t leak, and then you’re free. I’ll mail you a gas card.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
By the time I leave the dorm it’s almost nine thirty. I shove a change of clothes, protein bar, and a bottle of water from my mini fridge into my bag, in case I decide to spend the night. I hadn’t thought about how close the lake house was to school—maybe I could take friends up there one weekend. Maybe some friends from the team. Would I invite Sidney? Would I have to? I wonder how weird it would be for her to know her teammates were hanging out at her house—ourhouse—without her.
It’s weird that we have this shared thing. It feels a little like we’re a divorced couple, and the house is our kid. She was right about that—how awkward it would be going to the house if things went south between us. Except that she’s the one that forced that situation into existence.
Driving to the lake in late fall feels so strange. The grass has lost its brightness, and the trees are all in their deep yellows and oranges, some of them with leaves already shed. It’s like going to an entirely different place. All of the signs that usually mark the sidewalks with the announcement of fairs and festivals are gone. Downtown, half of the shops are closed for the season—the little wine tasting room and yogurt shop are dark. I’m not sure if I like seeing it like this. I wonder how different it will feel next summer, without Sidney.
When I pull into the driveway, the first thing I notice is that nothing has changed. There aren’t even any leaves on theground, let alone branches down. Now that I think of it, I didn’t see signs of a storm anywhere as I drove here. I pull out my phone to text my mom.
I get a list of four different dishes and kitchen utensils to retrieve, and climb out of my car. Something about this lake is like a magnetic pull. It’s always the first thing I have to see—before going into Lake House B, or checking to see where Sidney was, I always went to the dock. And today is no different. The day is cool and the lake is flat. All along the shoreline, docks are empty, the pontoons and fishing boats put away for the winter.
Down the dock, a pop of color against the faded gray boards catches my eye. Fifteen feet down, a cluster of three rocks sits. They’re painted—with cresting blue waves, clusters of green ivy, and little purple flowers, like the rocks Sidney makes. Did she leave them down here? I consider leaving them, then scoop them up and take them with me to the house—they won’t fare well out here in the snow. I set them on the kitchen table inside, not sure if I’m going to leave them, or take them with me. Showing up at her dorm with three random rocks might seem like a giant excuse to see her. And while I wouldn’t mind that, I’m also not sure I’m ready to dive headfirst into full-blown friendship with Sidney. I thought I could—that maybe, with time, I could look at her differently. But after the way she looked at me at the wrecking ball, I’m not sure my heart can handle it. It’s badenough that eventually I’m going to have to see her at parties, and eventually I’m sure with other guys. I wish I was a better person—the kind of person who could be happy for her happiness. Maybe I will be, someday, but I’m not there yet.
I’m pulling Mom’s red baking dish out of a cupboard when I notice another pop of color. At the edge of the kitchen, there’s a rock painted with a cluster of little white flowers and a few feet to the right, there’s another, leading into the hallway. I pick them up, and see another partway down the hall, just outside of the laundry room. And another, just outside of Sidney’s bedroom. The door is open, and inside there are three more rocks in a triangle. If they were breadcrumbs—which is what they feel like—they’d be leading me to the bathroom. That door is closed, but not latched, and when I nudge it open with my toe, I half-expect something to jump out at me. Or to be hit by something. At the very least, I expect something to spray all over me. But the door swings open harmlessly, and the room is empty. No shaving cream covering the floor. Not a single menacing thing. Except that on the mirror, in slashes of red, there are four words:
MEET ME AT MIDNIGHT
I can’t decide if it’s better or worse than finding the bathroom filled with bees as I’m doused in lemonade. It just feels like two different kinds of torture. So I get into my car, leaving the pile of rocks on Sidney’s bed, and I drive back to school.
Sidney
This was a really horrible idea. Maybe one of my worst. Because unlike all of my pranks of the past, I have no control over this. Asher deciding not to show up means it’s over. There is no backup plan for him ignoring me. And to add insult to injury, Ihad to get Sylvie involved to make this happen. Had to tell her the whole sad tale to convince her to lure him up here, even though I knew she had heard at least some of it. And for what?
Now everyone knows all of the sordid details of how I ruined everything. It’s bad enough that my mom will probably harass me for the rest of my life—for the next five years at least; probably every time I bring a guy home.Will I bring guys home?I think maybe I’m ruined for that. Going back to ten-day relationships doesn’t sound that bad. There’s three-hundred-sixty-five days in a year, divided by ten—but probably add a three-week buffer between them… I’m thinking through how many guys have to be interested in my sarcastic mouth when I hear the footsteps clunking along the dock.
“What’s up, Sidney?” The fact that he’s here should fill me with hope, but I hate how resigned Asher’s voice sounds right now.
“How far did you make it before you turned around?” He’s late, which means he wasn’t going to come, but he did. And deep down, I know it’s because he’s too nice to leave a girl sitting alone on a dock at midnight. And that should send a bucket of ice water over my plans, but it doesn’t. It’s just another reminder of what a good person he is. And how much better I have to be, to even begin to be worthy of spending time with him.
“I drove all the way back to the dorms.” He sits down on the dock next to me, huddling his knees up to his chest like I am. It’s way too cold to be in the water. “I barely had enough time to make it back here. You lurking again? Tracking my car?”
“No, I just know you.” He said it to me once, told me all of the ways he knew me, and I wish everything after those texts had gone differently.
“Hm.”
“You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think since I’ve been at school.” My voice is soft, not nearly as confident as I wish it was. I sound scared. Iamscared. “I’m still settling in with girls on theteam, and getting to know people in my dorm and in my classes. You make friends everywhere you go, but—”
“But you’re lonely, and now you want to talk to me?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not that. I mean, yes, I do want to talk to you.” God, this is already going badly. And I’m so nervous I’m just rambling. “I’m just saying… I’ve had a lot of time to think the last month or so.” I let go of my knees and sit cross-legged on the dock, twisting to face Asher. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of the reasons I knew we wouldn’t work, and—”
Asher drops his chin to his hands. “And you’ve got me out here in the middle of the night…freezing…so you can remind me of all of those reasons? Sidney, this isn’t—”
I put my hand on his next to me, and he looks up, as if I’ve electrocuted him. “Just let me finish?” I keep my voice soft and I don’t move my hand. “I’m not here to torture you. I swear.”
Asher bites his lip and nods.
I don’t want to move my hand, but I do, because I’m not sure I can think straight while I’m touching him. Not when his eyes are still burning with something I haven’t seen in a long time. “You liked me for so long… you showed me.” I swallow down the anxiety rising up in my throat, threatening to choke me. “You showed me the rocks, and the picture, and you told me everything. So…” I pick up the little box tucked in next to my side. “I’ve never dated anyone longer than ten days. I’ve never liked anyone longer than that. And it’s always me, not them. Me who gets bored, or annoyed, for the dumbest reasons. I screw it up every time. I’ve always been good at a lot of things, but I’m not good at this. You thought it was you I didn’t trust, but that’s not it at all. It’s me.I’mthe one who would ruin us.”
