“I did. I guess I was extra tired.”
I kept my hand on his chin and stared into his eyes. They were dark and troubled, with a few lines making their appearance on his forehead. These weren’t the bright eyes of a young man who had a hot night of sex. I saw those eyes daily on campus. Those eyes are wide, clear, and stress free, even though the skin under them could be a touch puffy. It was obvious to me that Ryder’s culprit was nightmares, but I wanted him to confide in me.
“Let’s try this again, and this time, don’t bullshit me. I’ll phrase this as a statement rather than a question.” I paused and watched his throat move as he swallowed. “You didn’t sleep well.”
“No.” Despite his chin still being in my grasp, he was able to move his head from side to side. “I’m sorry.”
I let go of him and sat on the bed to face him.
“That’s not your fault, Ryder. But at some point, and very quickly, you’re going to have to learn that you can’t evade questions, and you have to train yourself not to cover up the truth. The professors at the academy aren’t going to stand for it.”
“Okay, I’m sorry.”
“Besides, there’s no shame in saying you didn’t sleep well. Were you just not tired when you went to bed last night?” I glanced at the other side of the bed that was still clearly tucked in and wasn’t messy. “It doesn’t look like you had company thatmay have kept you awake.” I wanted him to tell me he hadn’t slept well because of nightmares.
“I don’t see what difference it makes if I stayed up too late watching TV, or had someone over, or whatever.”
I could see him crossing his legs under the sheet and then he propped an elbow on his knee. He leaned over and set his forehead against his hand briefly before raising his head to look at me again.
I took a slow, deep breath as I stared into his troubled eyes. I reminded myself that all of this was very new to him. Being around someone who cares was going to be an adjustment, and it wasn’t going to happen overnight.
“It matters because I want to know when you’re troubled during the night.”
“Why?” he asked exasperatedly.
“Because you matter to me.” I paused to give him a moment to digest that. Getting Ryder to believe he wasn’t the shit that the Craigs treated him as was going to be a task, but it was one I was more than happy to take on. “You don’t have to keep all of this to yourself anymore. I’m here to talk and listen.” I smiled at him and put my hand on his bare shoulder. “You’re stuck with me for the next four years, Ryder.”
When he smiled back, I felt as though he was lowering his guard, at least for a moment. His eyes looked heavier, his shoulders sank farther, and the stressed lines on his forehead became more prominent. When he spoke, I thought he might share something about his dream, but instead, his words made me want to pull him close.
“Being stuck isn’t what comes to mind. I’m lucky you seem to want to be around me, aside fromhavingto be around me.”
“Nonsense, Ryder.”
He laughed and looked around the room before his eyes settled on mine again.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Atlas.”
“You can.”
“I don’t think I’m built for this.”
“I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way at all, so please don’t take it that way… But I don’t think you know or understand how you’re built.”
“Do you know how I’m built?”
“I have an idea.”
“But you’re not sure.”
“No. Not yet. But one thing I am sure of is that I’m going to be right beside you, and we’ll uncover it together.”
Ryder nodded and smiled. “Fair enough.”
Though he hadn’t told me a thing about his dream, he showed me something maybe more important in this stage of our friendship: pain. He let me see him with his guard down, and right now, I’d take it.
15
Atlas
