This was too much all at once.
As I moved up in line, I tried to casually keep my eye on him. He sat across from Salem, and they were talking while I watched. My eyes were on them until a noise caught my attention. My iPad had slipped out from under my arm and made a slapping noise as the case hit the ground. The woman behind me kindly picked it up and handed it to me.
“Thank you,” I said as I took the iPad from her outstretched hand.
“These cases are so sturdy. I can’t tell you how many times it has saved mine.”
“Me too. I drop mine constantly. Spill stuff on it too. Thank God for the case,” I commented.
“Next in line,” the employee called out.
That was me.
I noticed how shaky my hands were when I set the mug down on the counter.
“I’ll get this mug and a large caramel macchiato, please.” It felt good to lean on the counter for stability.
“Would you like anything to eat?”
I turned my head toward the pastry display case. I didn’t feel like food. I didn’t feel like the damn coffee either. I just felt like crying.
“Um…” Words weren’t coming. I couldn’t even formulate them.
“If you’d like to try something but can’t make up your mind, there are some employee recommendations.”
The woman pointed to some cardboard cutouts of coffee cups by the pastry names that read which employee recommended it. I quickly scanned the display case for Brandon’s name.What does he recommend and like?My eyes kept filling with tears as I thought about how fucking sad it was for me to not know what my son liked. I was on the verge of losing it. The employee probably thought I wasn’t all there. And today I wasn’t.
I stepped to the side so I could look at the pastries. Really, I was just looking for Brandon’s name, but it was hard because my eyes were so watery and making the names blurry. I was pretty sure I found his name next to a double chocolate muffin.Good pick, Brandon.I bent at the waist and leaned forward just to be sure. It was his. I tapped on the glass by Brandon’s recommendation and then stood upright.
“Those muffins are fabulous. You’re going to love it,” the employee said. She put it in a pastry bag and rang me up.
“The mug proceeds go to the charity, right?” I asked.
“Yes.” The employee reached around to the front of the register and pointed to the same style info card that was at the mug display. Only this one was inside a plastic display and attached to a locked plastic box for donations. “Three Brothers fully supports the initiatives to stop human trafficking.”
I nodded and pulled my wallet out. I paid for the stuff and dropped a few dollars and my change into the tip container. Then I grabbed the rest of my money and folded the bills up so they’d fit in the box. I slipped them in and then smiled at the lady. I collected my mug and pastry and moved down to get the drink.
I was closer to Brandon now.
The longer I stood there, the shakier I’d gotten. I had to keep reaching up to dab the corners of my eyes with the back of my hand so the tears wouldn’t run down my face. I kept looking at Brandon even though I told myself it wasn’t helping right now. I collected my coffee when the woman set it on the counter and then looked around for a place to sit. The only available seat was at a table behind Salem… And that was just too close right now.
The magnetic pull within me fought and encouraged me to stay and find a place to sit, wait for a seat to clear. But when the tears kept threatening, I knew I needed to get out of there. As much as I didn’t want to leave and remove Brandon from my sight, it was best for now. Before tears fell and embarrassed me in the coffee shop, I sent another glance Brandon’s way and then left.
The moment I stepped outside, the cool, crisp air made the shivering worse. My emotions were getting the best of me as tears streamed down my face on the way to my SUV. Once I was in the seclusion of my car, my body took over, and the tears mixed with pitiful gasps of air that exploded out of me.
I jammed my straw into my drink, and while I sipped on it, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I opened up my text string with Hollis and typed feverishly. I had to keep wiping my eyes every few moments because the words became too blurred. I had tons typed, ready to go, but I couldn’t bring myself to hit send.
He’d call me.
I knew he would.
Then I’d lose it.
Then he’d feel like he’d have to come get me.
And once again I’d be the baby of the family with a mess.
I deleted the text and put the phone in the other cupholder. I’d go home, say I didn’t see him if Hollis asks, then say I had a headache—which was the truth—and then go back to bed. And I’d stay there until I heard from James again.
