5
BRANDON
I staredat the clothes in my closet, and my mind went blank. My heart pounded hard and fast in my chest as I tried to decide on the best option for today. Nothing looked right to me.
Instead of trying to get ready, a lot of other things rushed into my mind. Was I making the right decision? Would posing for this type of photo shoot throw me back to my time with Sebastian? My stomach started to hurt a little, which usually happened when Sebastian took up space in my mind.
I sat on the floor and then eventually laid on my back and pulled my legs up so my feet were flat on the floor. I brought my right leg up and crossed it so my ankle rested against my thigh.
While I stared at my clothes from this angle, I tried to think of something other than Sebastian. I finally smiled as I recalled doing this when I was younger and modeling clothes. I tilted my head toward the door of the closet when I heard James.
“Brandon, what are you doing on the floor, pup?”
James crouched beside me and took hold of the silver tag that was attached to my collar.
“Just trying to decide what to wear today.”
“Does this process help?”
“Not really.”
Both of us laughed at what I was doing. James sat on the floor with his legs on either side of me. He put his warm hands under my arms and pulled me closer to him. I rested my head on the top of his thigh and then he draped his arms over my shoulder and set his hands on my chest.
“Well, tell me what you’re thinking. Let’s start there,” he said.
He probably thought I was going to start talking about clothes, but I decided to just come out with it.
“I’m wondering if the photo shoot will make me think about being in front of the camera with Sebastian.”
“Oh, Brandon.” James spread his fingers wide on my chest and his other hand started to rub on my stomach. “There is a chance it could happen, but your fear of it happening might be causing you to feel nervous and apprehensive about it.”
I nodded.
“I want to do it. The photographer is incredibly talented. The pictures Andrew purchased for Oxygen are sensual but erotic. I want to have something like that. I wantusto have something like that.”
“Then we shall. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to go talk to the photographer and tell him what we’d like to have pictures of. Then we’re going to do the photo shoot together. Remember, I’m going to be right there with you.”
“And what happens if I start thinking about Sebastian?”
“Then we’ll pause the shoot, and you and I will deal with it.” I looked up into his eyes. “I’m not going to let you fall, pup. I promise you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good boy. Now, let’s find something you’re most comfortable in.”
“Jeans and a t-shirt.”
“Then let’s get you dressed so we can go chat with the photographer.”
* * *
Even though I’dbeen to Oxygen tons of times, today felt different. I was nervous and excited. Maybe even somewhat afraid. I was afraid of what it would feel like to be somewhat exposed while in front of a lens again. I was afraid Sebastian would creep into my head instead of the good memories I had while modeling when I was younger.
James parked, and I looked around the parking lot. I spotted Andrew’s and Ali’s cars parked next to one another. I recognized all of the other cars but one. It was a black Mercedes SUV. I smirked at it.
“Looks like you and the photographer have taste in cars in common,” I said.
James laughed and tugged on my collar so I’d turn to look at him.
