“Perhaps you shouldn’t trust the fart.”
“Look, trusting the fart is who I am. I can exercise caution when doing so. I just wanted to give you a warning, though, that I’ll be nervous, farting in the car.”
“I understand.”
“And, in case you weren’t aware, those usually smell ten times worse.”
“I’m fully aware of the power of your nervous stomach.”
“I don’t want to be nervous. I just can’t help it.”
“I know, my boy. Remember, we’ve discussed it and it’s fine. Close your eyes for a little while and try to relax.”
“You just want me to go to sleep so you don’t have to hear me ramble nervously.”
“No, Ryan. I want you to inhale a deep breath and then exhale slowly. Put your foam finger on your other hand,” he instructed. I did as he asked, desperate for him to help control my nerves. He took hold of my bare left hand, pulled it across the center console, and kissed it. He set his right arm on the console and kept my hand in his. “Now, take a deep breath and exhale slowly.”
“Good thing the air is still breathable,” I mumbled. I closed my eyes but remained awake. I was too nervous to sleep. I “relaxed” like that until we stopped for lunch. After lunch, I stayed awake.
When we arrived in Indianapolis, my nerves kicked in again. The display said forty-two minutes to the destination. Holy fucking shit. I was less than forty-five minutes away from seeing the people who’d created and raised the most perfect human being in the world. I shouldn’t be here. I couldn’t be here. I wasn’t good enough for him or them. I felt sick.
I got a horrific whiff of my nervousness and was sure that it would start warping the instrument panel of the dash and display. When I heard Russell take a few sniffs, I quickly apologized.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Ryan.”
“I told you it wouldn’t be pleasant,” I reminded him. It wasn’t like it would be something he’d forgotten. I’d apologized several times throughout the day each time I smelled the damage.
“And I told you it was fine and not to worry about it.”
“Your mom will be repulsed by me. Maybe you should take me to one of the drive-thru car washes. Chain me to the roof rack and send me through.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve chained you to the roof rack,” he mumbled.
“We can tape the complimentary air freshener to the outside of my underwear over my butt.”
“Mmm, now that’s an idea,” Russell commented, playing along.
“Maybe you can pick out a scent your mom would like. Then, when I fart, it’ll be a pleasant burst of her favorite scent.”
Russell laughed hard, which made me relax slightly. He reached over and gently patted my stomach.
“Try to relax, Ryan. It’ll be okay. You’ll see soon enough.”
With less than fifteen minutes to go, Russell pulled into a parking lot to a shopping plaza and parked by a pizza restaurant. He jostled my leg and encouraged me to get out of the car. I zipped my jacket up and coughed when I took my first breath of cold Indiana winter air.
“What are we doing?” I asked when I met Russell at the back of the SUV.
“You and I are going to have dinner together.”
“But aren’t your folks expecting us?”
“I told them it would be late enough that you and I would grab our dinner on the way. Come on, it’s cold outside, my boy.”
We sat down in the warm pizza restaurant and enjoyed what would probably be our last dinner alone together until our drive home.
“You know, since you fed me pizza for dinner, I might knock out the whole town with my nervous stomach,” I said as we walked back to the SUV.
