“I’m pissed as hell.”
“I know. I am too.”
“She has to report this. She has to.”
“I would also like for her to do that, but it’s her choice, Josh.”
“How can you say that? You didn’t find her crumpled on the fucking ground,” Josh said through gritted teeth.
From working in the emergency room for over as long as I have, I was well aware that everyone processed trauma and shock differently. But it was as though Josh’s reaction wasn’t all based on what had happened to Ali. I felt like there was something else to it. In the back of my mind was the conversation that I had with James when he told me that while Ali didn’t have a history of abuse in her past, Josh had.
“I’m as angry as you are about this, Josh, but we have to respect her choice.”
“You don’t understand what stuff like this does,” he mumbled. Without having to coax him to elaborate or me having to dig, Josh began to crack open. “This kind of shit eats away at you and starts affecting those around you. My mom…” he began. “She never reported any of the shit my dad did.”
“Things to you?” I asked, hoping he would give me more info.
“Me, but mostly my sister.”
Now we’re getting somewhere.
“Did your dad do something, like what happened to Ali, to your mom and sister?”
“Yes, sometimes right in front of me, or in front of my sister and me. Mom never did shit about it. My mom said she couldn’t leave because we had nowhere to go. I always tried to protect Jolie, though, but the damage was already there. Jolie hated herself. She was depressed all the time. Then it became too much.” Josh balled up his fists and thumped them against his knee. “I was late coming home from school one day. When I got there, I went looking for Jolie. She had hung herself in the closet. I got her down and called the police. I will never forget how cold she was.” Josh let out a short laugh and shook his head. “My dad was home. He was out in the backyard smoking. Fucking asshole.”
“I’m sorry, Josh.”
“Me too. Had I gone home with her after school, she might still be alive.”
“I can understand why you feel that way. I even understand why you feel guilty about not going home after school with her. But you were just a kid too.”
“I was eighteen.”
“Still, you were a high school kid and trying to live your life too. There’s nothing to feel guilty over.”
“Pussy kept me after school,” he snapped. “I wasn’t a good kid staying after school for some fucking club, or sports, or even getting tutored.”
I opened my mouth to assure him that being with another girl, be it his girlfriend or simply messing around, was a normal and expected behavior of kids his age. Before I was able to get any of that out, he spoke up with more unsavory info.
“I was fucking my teacher.”
Luckily, I had enough control to continue rubbing his back and hadn’t stopped or shown any sign that I was shocked or repulsed by his admission. I wasn’t repulsed with him but at the fact that some unethical teacher had somehow coerced him. Since Josh was leaning forward, he couldn’t see my chest rise as I took a deep breath. And, thankfully, the hum from the air conditioner masked any audible signs that I was taking that deep breath.
Suddenly, things made a bit more sense with Josh. A lot more sense, actually. He carried guilt into each play session. Josh obviously felt guilty for not going home with his sister the day she took her life. But I didn’t think he only liked authority sessions because he was punishing himself. Those types of sessions really did push the right buttons for him. And I understood why he felt so adamant about Ali notifying the police. He believed this criminal act was going to wear Ali down and lead her to suicide, just as it did to his sister. I understood the worry and fear that was deeply rooted.
“I’m terrible, huh?”
“No, Josh. You’re not terrible.” I squeezed his shoulder and then continued rubbing his back. “The circumstance that kept you after school is terrible.”
“I was okay with it. I knew what I was doing.”
This time I didn’t care if he heard me sigh. “Josh, you are old enough now to know better than to shoulder any of that blame.”
Josh was quiet for a few moments and continued to keep his head down. I was sure he was replaying events from that day. It was clear to me that he had put a lot of pressure on himself to protect his mother and sister as much as possible. Something like that never should’ve been placed on his shoulders as a child.
“I was never forced into doing anything. I did everything willingly. It was my escape.”
I had a sinking feeling in my gut that the thing with his teacher hadn’t been a one-time thing. I didn’t want to potentially bring up more unpleasant feelings for him, but at the same time, this was a part of him and things that I needed to know.
