I kept my sweaty palms open and fingers spread wide on the top of my thighs. When the doorbell rang, I wiped my hands one more time on my legs as I walked to the door. I reminded myself to stay calm and cool while we talk. This conversation could very well easily be a deal breaker conversation. He could walk out of here today and I may never see him again.
I opened the door and my eyes immediately found his. He didn’t look angry, but instead he looked calm. He also looked very casual; jeans and a black t-shirt that fit snug across his chest and arms. Russell didn’t wait for the invitation, he just began walking forward and into my house…and I moved right out of the way for him.
When I closed the door, he backed me up against it, and raised my t-shirt by lifting a handful of it around my chest. He leaned in and crushed his mouth against mine, unleashing everything pent up that he probably had been feeling. When he pulled his mouth away from mine, he kept his head close and took hold of my chin.
“You need to understand a few things. One, I am not one of the people who harmed you. I am not one of the people you fled from, and still flee from. Do not put me in that category with them. Do not treat me as though I bent you over a desk and beat you until you bled. Do not treat me as though you don’t mean the world to me. Two, I will never, ever do anything that would ever compromise what I have with you. You are who I want. You are who I need. You compete with no one, Ryan. And three, all of this fear and worry you have going on, I will help you find a way to expel it in a healthy way. Fear and worrying,” Russell paused and splayed his hand wide on my bare stomach, “They are harming you. I understand where it’s coming from, but you have got to talk to me when the fear sets in. Stop trying to hold it in. It only builds, and with you, it builds at an incredibly fast rate. I love all of you, Ryan, and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel that each day.”
My chest heaved as he spoke, and as the words sunk in I felt my stomach muscles flex against his hand. I was feeling terrible about my outbursts with him earlier. He loves me and I got all weird on him. I felt like my eyes were starting to betray my strength to keep it together.
“Ryan,” he began.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out and looked down at his chest.
“It’s alright, my boy. Relax, Ryan.”
He was forgiving me. Russell gently patted my bare stomach, and I felt it flex again. He lightly rubbed in a small circle, causing me to cave further.
“Relax, my boy. It’s alright.”
Russell swiped his thumbs across my cheeks to catch the embarrassing tears that just had to leave my eyes. I took a deep breath while looking at his chest and tried to put into words what I wanted to say.
“I’m sorry I was a dick. I don’t have an excuse, I just get afraid of things and worry. I never used to be like this,” I admitted.
“It’s because you never had someone that cared or loved you the way I do. You’ve never had needs met. Now that they’re being met, you’re terrified of not having them met or losing them.”
Just at the mere mention of losing what he gives me, my stomach flexed against his hand again.
“Sorry,” I mumbled and shook my head at my body being weird.
“Hey, look at me.” I raised my head and looked him in the eyes. “You do not apologize for that physical reaction. It’s going to be alright, Ryan. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to abandon you. I’m going to love you and feed this hungry soul of yours.”
He leaned in to kiss me again, and then pulled me into an embrace. It was so interesting to me that he was always talking about souls. Russell just seemed to know everything, and I was comfortable with that, but my curiosity about souls got the best of me and I asked. I didn’t pull away from the comforts of his arms and body, but rested my forehead on the top of his shoulder as I looked down. I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands, so I gripped the side of my jeans. He rubbed one hand over my lower back and gently stoked the back of my neck where the injections had gone in last month.
“What is a soul exactly?” I mumbled against him.
“It’s the core of who you are.” He moved his hand from my lower back to my stomach again. “Yours sits right in here. Think of it like a vault. Among many things it holds all of your needs and desires. Those have been neglected for so long. Your soul was very dark when I found you, but there was a glow in it. Your family just about extinguished it. When your soul has been nourished, you feel good.”
“So, it’s like my heart?”
“Not exactly.”
“So, like my brain?”
“Not quite. Hearts can lead us blind, and brains have a difficulty with showing us love. But souls, they don’t lie. You can trick a mind, and you can blindly follow a heart. But you cannot trick a soul. It knows you and knows exactly what you need. ”
“You know what mine needs?”
“I do, Ryan. I promise you that I do.”
“What about yours? Do you know what yours needs?”
“Yes. It needs you.”
His soul needs me.I felt the need to touch him more.I let go of my pants with one hand and slowly reached upward. Would it be weird to touch him on his side? Would the back be weird? Arms? Unsure of what to do, I took hold of the bottom of his shirt and clutched it in my hand.Was this okay?Since my forehead was still on his shoulder, I could feel him take a deep breath.Was he made or frustrated with me?
“I will not let you down, Ryan. I promise you, my boy.”
I felt at ease standing there with Russell, and I just didn’t want to get worked up over the conversation about moving. I had been worked up before he came over. Actually, it’s what pushed him to come over in the first place.
