11
Ryan
During the courseof the next month, I began to avoid most conversations that surrounded me potentially moving in with Russell. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but it was a matter of being scared and nervous for a number of reasons. Number one was moving. My house had been my home since college. I busted my ass for this house, but at the end of the day, I was alone at night.
And that’s where I felt trapped. After having Russell next to me for a night, the following night was very cold and lonely. Russell would stay over often, but it wasn’t enough for me. I was getting greedy.
Which led me to my next fear…losing him. The wicked and often detrimental game of “what if” scenarios would flood my mind. Once they started it was difficult for me to reign them in. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, I just didn’t know how to control my feelings of irrational worrying. It was a hard topic for me to bring up with him because I didn’t want to seem like I needed him to help me relax about it. Fear consumed me and nearly crippled me regarding moving in.
What if he gets tired of me?
What if I move in and then shortly after it falls apart? Then I will have lost the only place I have known as home.
What if he changes when I move in?
What if he wants more than I can give?
What if Claire becomes a fixture? I know he said she won’t and that he’s ignored her messages, but it still scares me.
What if it all ends and then I have to pack up and leave? Not only would I have to find a new place to live, but I would have been rejected.
What if…just, what if?
Then I lose my home.
It’s not like Russell would move in with me and into my tiny house. Not when he’s got the beautiful house nestled comfortably on a hill with similar homes, tucked behind secure gates.
All of this worrying almost made me sick each time I began to think about it. What sucked was that I wanted to be with him. I wanted not to go to bed alone or empty each night. I was growing more and more attached and dependent upon Russell. It could all end the second I move in. The fear of the unknown outweighed my desire to want to be in the same house. I just couldn’t get myself where I needed my head to be.
April and Kim tried to help, but sometimes I didn’t think they really understood how deep my fear went.
Kim: Ryan, you are old enough now that you can make this decision and settle down with him.
April: You know he loves you. The man would move heaven and hell for you.
They were right. I continued to watch positive things roll up on the screen. Then one hint of something meant to be a joke threw me onto my dark “what if” path.
Kim: If it ends, wouldn’t you rather to have been loved by him than not at all?
Oh, fucking hell. I moved the laptop from my lap to the couch cushion and got up. I paced around the kitchen and living room. This is exactly why I never should have gotten involved with him…or anyone.
They could leave.
He would leave.
I didn’t want him to.
I needed him.
Isn’t that where relationships become unhealthy? Isn’t it unhealthy for me to need him, and then want and try to stay to satisfy that need? Isn’t that selfish? Am I selfish?
I am.
I went back to the couch and picked up my cell phone. I opened up a text string with Russell, desperate for our connection. I had to know things were okay. There was no reason why they shouldn’t be, but I just needed to see it.
Ryan: Hey.
I held my phone in my hands, praying that he’d respond quickly. Though, what if he was talking to Claire? I may have interrupted their time. Claire was going to win. I couldn’t compete with her. She had a longer history with him. She was there first. Desperately, I began typing again.
