When we stopped at a stoplight, I reached over the console and patted the top of his thigh and then left my hand there. I enjoyed touching him and establishing a physical connection whenever possible. The physical connection is something that Ryan thrived on and needed, and I always want to give him what he needs.
We parked and made our way to the entrance with him chatting excitedly as we walked.
“Can we go find the Dodgers booth first? I want to see what they have. Online it said that all of the teams would have memorabilia and merchandise,” he requested.
“Of course, we can go there first. Are you looking for anything in particular?” I asked.
Ryan headed towards the lengthy lines as he talked about not being sure what he was looking for. He said he definitely wanted to get something, but it would depend upon what they had. I pointed and guided Ryan towards the VIP entrance that didn’t have a line.
“Whoa! Really?” Ryan asked and looked down at the tickets he clutched in both hands.
“Really, Ryan.”
“Wow! Why did you get the VIP tickets?”
“Well, for one, you’ll get a bag with lots of giveaways inside and we will get to attend the luncheon with some former athletes,” I explained. “I thought you would enjoy the luncheon.”
“Enjoy? Fuck, I might pass out! Thank you, Russell!”
Ryan started to move towards me as if he were about to throw his arms around me, but he stopped. He stared at me and then looked around. I could see the sadness in his eyes and knew he felt as though he couldn’t express himself and show his happiness. I saw the shame and guilt beginning to swim in his big brown eyes.
“It’s ok, Ryan.”
“I’m sorry, Russell.”
“Do not apologize.” I playfully slapped his upper arm and “Come on, let’s go inside. There is a lot to see.”
When we presented our tickets, we were each handed a plastic bag that was full of items like pens, mini pennants, enamel pins, and many other things that Ryan was already investigating. Ryan had pulled the VIP badge out of the bag and stuck the plastic badge between his teeth while he rummaged around in the bag. The lanyard dangled below his chin as he started talking around the badge as he pulled out items from the bag. I couldn’t understand everything that he was saying, so I took hold of the lanyard and looped it over his head and then pulled the badge out of his mouth. He was so enthralled by what was in the bag that he hadn’t stopped or paused when I pulled the badge out of his mouth.
“Oh, look!” Ryan pulled out a pen that was in the shape of a baseball bat.
He twirled it around in his hand as we began to walk along the aisles. There was everything ranging from sports jerseys, framed photos, autographed items, and everything in between. I couldn’t have cared less about the items at the show, I just loved seeing Ryan so excited. We’d stop at some tables and he’d gaze around like a carefree child eyeing a window display at a toy store.
Watching him look at the sports things on display got me thinking about what he might have played with as a child. I knew his childhood was nothing short of gruesome, but I was curious if all he had was a baseball.
“Was a baseball your favorite toy when you were young, Ryan?”
“I loved my baseball.”
“Was it your favorite?”
“No, I had a keychain that had a soft Chewbacca attached to it. The Chewbacca was only about 3 inches long. You couldn’t see its eyes because it was just a mass of fur.” Ryan smiled and looked away as he thought about the toy. “I got it in a Happy Meal and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. I didn’t want the keychain part though. So, for days and days, I tried to break off the plastic keychain. I would take it to school and use my scissors to try and cut it off. Finally, I got it off though.”
It warmed my heart to hear Ryan talk about this little Chewbacca keychain that he clearly had wanted to think of as a simple stuffed animal. He had craved comfort.
“I can picture a much younger you trying to use safety scissors to cut through heavy plastic,” I chuckled. “Did you keep him in bed with you at night?”
“No. He was small. I put him in my pillowcase at night,” Ryan casually said.
“Your pillowcase?” I questioned.
“I could still reach my hand inside the pillowcase at night and grip him. But there he was safe. If my dad found out I had a stuffed toy—”
Ryan’s voice trailed off and he slowed his walk until he came to a stop. Something had caught his eye at one of the tables and he wandered toward it. I followed Ryan and watched him look at a table full of various types of lamps with sports teams on them. Ryan played with the switches for a few different lights as many changed colors. On the edge of the table, they had a flyer that displayed all of the different lights they had. There was a Dodgers light on the flyer and the table had the same light on the display, but for a different team. I slipped the flyer in my bag and looked up when he began talking.
“This is badass,” Ryan said as he looked at the New York Yankees version of the light.
The light was mostly clear acrylic and in the shape of a baseball. The stitches on the baseball light were in the team’s color, but the entire light could change colors. Even though the stitches on the Yankees ball were blue, the entire light could change to one of twelve different shades. Ryan’s eyes were mesmerized as he watched the demo of the lights changing colors.
