I mentally was tired and rolled my shoulders. My neck was bothering me again. I just couldn’t wait to get home and away from this night.
“Is the collar bothering you?” Russell asked shortly after I rolled my shoulders.
“No. I’m just tired and needed to stretch some,” I said as we pulled into his garage.
I knew that once we got inside, that he’d try to talk me into staying the night. But I was wrong. He started that before we got inside.
“Ryan, I would like you to stay tonight. I would like to have the opportunity to bring you back to solid ground.”
“I’m okay. Already on solid ground. I’m really tired and just want to go home and go to bed,” I explained.
Russell stood across from me. I assumed he was looking at me, but I wasn’t certain as I was just staring at his chest. He wasn’t trying to argue though, so I assumed us parting ways tonight would be for the best. I embarrassed him.
I wondered if Claire had ever embarrassed him?
Whoever she was.
I reached behind my neck and started to unbuckle the play collar. Inwardly, I smirked at the irony that it’s a play collar. Of course, it’s play…a toy is all that I will ever be.
“Ryan, that’s not how we remove that,” Russell chastised.
I dropped my arms down and nodded. I followed him to his room and when he sat down on the couch, I knelt down between his parted legs. I leaned forward so he could unbuckle it easier. Before he took it off though, his hand settled on my head. When he guided my head to rest against the inside of his leg, I felt my body relax. This is where I want to be, but I don’t know if I deserve it.
“When are you going to stop running and let me love you, Ryan?” Russell said calmly as he stroked my hair.
“When I deserve it,” I muttered.
“You deserve it, and more, Ryan.”
I wanted to believe him, and most of the time I do. But then there are times like this where I am a slave to self-doubt.
When I got home, I took a shower and put on one of Russell’s t-shirts. I stood in the bathroom like a moron with the shirt pulled over my head and the hem around the middle of my ribs. My head was completely inside the t-shirt, and the scent of Russell surrounded me. Finally, I pulled the t-shirt down and opened the medicine cabinet for some ibuprofen for my stiff neck. I began to wonder if the ibuprofen would do any good anyhow because I was starting to think that there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me, but that I longed to have the collar back. It made me feel good and wanted. Loved.
I wanted to feel like that all of the time. But instead, I mess up. And when I mess up, everything negative that reminds me I’m not good enough enters my head. Then I feel guilty for letting everything negative enter my head. This is what happens. One thing goes bad, and everything negative rushes in. I only know how to make things worse. Instead of staying with Russell, I ran home.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
“I’m such an asshole,” I said out loud. “Sitting here alone is so much better than being with Russell,” I added sarcastically.
While I waited for my laptop to boot up, my phone vibrated.
Russell: I needed to make sure you are home.
Holy fucking shit. I completely spaced texting him when I got home. He’s going to think I don’t want him.
Ryan: Yes, Sir. I apologize for not texting as soon as I got home. I just got out of the shower.
Russell: Answer when I call.
I held the phone in my hand and when the picture of his SUV appeared on my screen, I slid the button over to answer.
“I’m sorry, Russell.”
“Ryan, please relax. How was your shower?”
“It was okay.”
