“Ryan.”
“I’m sorry,” rushed out of hismouth.
An air apology. I knew he felt as though I would be angry withhim.
“Ryan, there’s nothing to apologizefor.”
“Yes, there is. I’m sorry.I—”
He was beating himself up, and before I had the chance to calmly assure him that there wasn’t anything to be sorry over, he made a quick move back to thebench.
“I’m sorry, Russell. Go again. I’mready.”
His spine rounded and his hands were between his body and the frame of the bench; protection mode. Ryan attempted to play in a fashion that I would never play in. And he did it out of fear that he had disappointedme.
“Ryan, off thebench.”
I set the strap down on the small table that was to the side of the spankingbench.
“No, I’m ready, Russell. I can do this,” hepleaded.
“I know that you can. But, no moretoday.”
“No,I—”
“Ryan.”
“I said ‘yellow.’ Not the otherone.”
He climbed off the bench and stood before me, his chest heaved. He truly didn’t understand that he wasn’t in trouble, and that he hadn’t disappointed me. I knew this would be a hard road for him to the strap. I would walk alongside him, and we’d carefully navigateit.
“Yellow, Russell. I saidyellow.”
The more he tried, the more I felt like my lungs were being squeezed and I couldn’t fill them withair.
“I say ‘hairdryer’ then. It’s too much right now,Ryan.”
He winced and looked down. No doubt he had been angry withhimself.
“Ryan, I knew this would bedifficult.”
“I’m a man now. I can handleit.”
“Being a man has nothing to do with this. We will try again soon, but no moretoday.”
