I quickly jumpedin.
Ryan: Fuck is good. I can deal with that terminology. Making love; that’s not for me. I don’t make love. I’d never made love. Fucking, yes, I can dothat.
Kim: Have you thought about it at all,Ryan?
Ryan: Yes, of course, I have. I just can’t doit.
April: Is it because he’s a guy? Because if you’re going to deny yourself a hot fuck session with someone who loves you out of fear that he’s a guy, then your mind hasn’t opened verymuch.
Kim: Tell us what you have envisioned since you admitted to having thought ofit.
Ryan: I don’t knowexactly.
April: Whatposition?
These girls were going to pull all of this shit right out of me. They could be relentless, but they were also myfriends.
Kim: On your back? On top of him? Hands andknees?
Jesus. I can’t imagine facing him atall.
Ryan: Hands andknees.
Kim: Condom? Nocondom?
Fuck. The condomtalk.
Ryan: I told him that I didn’t care. He couldpick.
April: Whoa, Ry-Guy. You told him he couldpick?
Kim: So, you’ve had this conversation withhim?
April: What did hepick?
Kim: Your voice matters too,Ryan.
I set the laptop to the side for a few minutes. This was all too much. I tended to walk away when things and conversations got to be too much. I just couldn’t do much more tonight. And this was where my ability to communicate really blew. I couldn’t just tell them kindly that I was at the max capacity for deep topics for the day. I’d just get quiet and then they’d come down on me, which, Ideserved.
Ryan: We’ve talked about it,yes.
April: What did he pick? Condom or nocondom?
Ryan: He hadn’t told me his decision about it. But I made sure he knew that I didn’tcare.
Kim: And you don’t reallycare?
April: Or are you just telling him that you don’tcare?
I semi-snapped and in a screen size worth of a message I explained that my dad never used one and my brother always did. So, it wasn’t like I had only experienced a guy back there in a particular fashion. Thinking about it now made my stomachhurt.
April: So, devil’s advocate here. Say you and Russell are getting ready to go at it. He tells you to pick. What do you pick at thismoment?
Ryan: The responsible thing would be for me to tell him to useone.
Kim: Is that your heart talking or your dad telling anyone you get with that you’re dirty and they need to useone?
Fucking ouch. I stared at the screen for a few minutes and then set the laptop to the side for another five minutes. I could hear their messages pinging in, and I had to shut the laptop down for thenight.
