12
Russell
“This image has rattled you.It was not my intention to upset you with it, but I’m going to explain what drew me to it and why I sent it to you.Understand?”
“Yes.”
“And in return, you’re going to tell me what specifically bothered you with it.Understand?”
His reply took a little longer to come, but it had finally come. I balanced the cell phone in one hand and dropped my other hand to rest on his stomach. He needed positive touch rightnow.
“It was not a mistake that I sent this to you. When I first saw this image, you know who I thoughtof?”
“Leonard.”
I blanched. I was more bothered by the fact he stated it so matter of fact, as if he was certain that it was true, rather than pose it as aquestion.
“No. Not Leonard. You, Ryan. I thought ofyou.”
“But, I can’t do that stuff. Why would you think ofme?”
“Look at the man in the picture, Ryan. There are several similarities between you and this young man. You and the young man both have captivating bodies. His expression reminds me of the ones I’ve seen on you so many times. He’s unsure of himself too, and just like you, he willingly trusted someone with aneed.”
I gave his stomach a gentlepat.
“So, I saw a young man’s trust and then his need. He’s trusted someone with that need, like you.” I paused for a few moments, but I continued to rub on his stomach. “Now, tell me what you saw in this image and why it upset you, myboy.”
“Just because I can’t do this stuff. I get frustrated with myself because I want to be everything you need and want. But when I see something like this, all I see is how inadequate I am for you. You like this sort of thing so much. It’s a big part of who you are, and I don’t think that I can meetyourneeds.”
“I have no connection with Leonard, Ryan. He isn’t for me, nor will he everbe.”
I set the phone down and picked up the play collar that I brought from his toy box and held the ends in my hands in front of him. I wanted him to understand that he was mine, and he was all that I wanted. While he wasn’t ready to be collared yet, he knew what it meant. The idea of it equated to security forhim.
“You remember that I got this for you at Christmas?” Ryan nodded. “I had plenty of play collars lying around the playroom. But they weren’t worthy of you and what I feel for you, myboy.”
I turned the collar over in my hands so he could see that there hadn’t been any creases in theleather.
“This has been on no one’s neck, Ryan. It is yours…for us.” He reached out to touch it. I gestured to his nightstand with an end of the collar. “Pull out your tag,” I said and then caught myself. He still thinks it’s a keychain. And since it’s engraved, it’s special to him so he carried it around in his wallet. “I mean, yourkeychain.”
With my hand still securely on his abdomen, he leaned forward and plucked his wallet off the nightstand. He handed me the tag, and I pressed the chrome piece on the D-ring and slipped the ring of his tag into place. I held it out for him tosee.
“What do you think, Ryan?” I asked him while I marveled at itmyself.
Even though this was a play collar for him to wear whenever we had sessions, seeing it filled me with immense pride. I hadn’t been prepared for the emotional pull that the play collar would have on me. I couldn’t imagine right now what the real, everyday collar would do to me. He’s not a necklace guy, but perhaps a ring or a bracelet would be more in line for his lifestyle. The idea was for it not to draw attention, but be something that he would know was always there; love. But, my boy needed this play collar now. We neededthis.
“I like it.” Ryan reached out and touched his charm. “Good thing the keychain fits on it,” hemused.
It was always intended to be that way, myboy.
“Sit up, let me put this onyou.”
As I buckled the ends, I kept my fingers between his neck and the inside of the play collar to ensure he had enough room and that it wasn’t too tight for him.Perfect.
“This is a reminder to you of my love for you. Not Leonard. Turn around,Ryan.”
Lord, help me. When Ryan scooted himself around on the floor to face me, and I saw the tag hanging from his neck, it stalledme.
He was mine. Mine to love. Mine to protect.Mine.
