I was unable to contain my smile. I looked at Nick, and we shared a knowing look. Ryan had no clue that this was his tag; his collar tag. The collar would come later for him when he was ready. I wanted him to have it so every time he felt that he didn’t belong, or deep in the night when he felt alone, he could look at this and hold it in hishand.
“It’s shiny,” he marveled and held it up to the light. “And it says something on it,” he added and held itclose.
“Read it,” Iencouraged.
“You are stronger than you think,” he read outloud.
His head whipped up to look at me as it dawned on him that I had engraved the ‘keychain’ for him. I nodded at him. I truly believed that Ryan was a remarkable man, and he simply didn’t think he wasstrong.
“Flip it over, Ryan. Readthat.”
“You are mine,” he said, and then he repeated it in a whisper. He looked at me, again to check the validity of the ‘keychain.’ I nodded again. He mouthed, “Me?”
“You, Ryan.” I stood, braced my hand on the couch arm and tugged his head closer with my other hand by his hair. I kissed the top of his head and messed up hishair.
“That’s a really nice…keychain, you have, Ryan,” Nick commented. Ryan held it up and asked Nick and Sadie if they’d like to see it. He passed it over to them, and after they examined both sides, they passed it back tohim.
“Card, Ryan. Open it.” I gestured to the card on the cushion next to him. He opened the card and unfolded the note I had written tohim.
“Wow. This looks long. Should I read it later?” his cheeks had turned a light shade ofpink.
“I will read it to you,” I said and playfully snatched it from his hands before joining him on thecouch.
“I can read it,” he protested. I handed him a cookie and told him to listen up and don’t fallasleep.
“I won’t,” hepromised.
I cleared my throat and thenbegan.
“My Boy, Ryan. I didn’t see you coming. I had no idea that a friend of Nick and Sadie’s would walk casually into my life, eager to learn and understand, and months later would light my world onfire.
I want so much for you; for you to experience everything that you have ever wanted. I want them to be good experiences, and I’ll do my best to make sure that I’ve thought everything through. Some will be good, some will be great, and some will be hard. But I will be right beside you for all of them. Not because I have to; not because I am your mentor. But because I love you,Ryan.”
I paused long enough to kiss the side of hishead.
“You have been open with me about anything that I have asked. You have bared your soul to me, despite the worries and fear. Sometimes you run and try to hide; I understand this and your reasons. But I can keep up with you,Ryan.
I want to protect you; not because you aren’t capable, but because no one ever has. You joined adulthood far toofast.
You have strength in you that you don’t comprehend yet. How do I know? Because in such a short amount of time, you had captured my heart when I wasn’t looking. You have the strength and ability tolove.
My boy, you are so brave. You could have shut the part of your head and heart off that has been telling you what you want, but you’re putting it all out there. The trust you have placed in my hands is monumental. I understand this and will take good care of the gift you have givenme.
In the few short months into your journey, my heart has swelled and shattered a million times. My heart expands with pride each time we’re together. I push you, and you meet everything I throw at you. Then when you drop, my heart is pained knowing that there is even a short time that you struggle alone with it. After watching you drop a number of times, I now know what it does to you. I know it knocks you off your axis and it allows your family back in your head. They don’t own you anymore, Ryan. Ido.
Life hasn’t been fair to you. But only the brave find hope in a second chance. And I’m going to ensure that I make up for those who have taken advantage of your gift oftrust.
I can tell you all of this every day until you have it memorized. But I wrote this out for a reason. When you’re alone, and you feel like you can’t breathe or as that ache in your stomach becomes prominent, I want you to pull out this note and read it. Read it over and over until that pressure in your chest breaks and the tears fall. There is no shame in that, Ryan. Then, you call me or text me, whichever you feel like. I will be there to pick you up because I love you, and you mean the world tome.
There will be good days, rough days, and better days; we will share all of them. I love you always,Russell.”
I knew that was an incredible amount of emotion and feeling to process. I gave his thigh a few rough slaps, folded the letter, and handed it back to him. Ryan carefully took the letter and held it gently in his hand, while the other hand had the ring from his ‘keychain’ around one of his fingers. I leaned back on the couch and put my arm across the top of the back cushion behind Ryan. My hand dangled down beside his shoulder. He was quiet as he opened the letter, and his eyes danced over it. Nick and Sadie started to talk, and I heard a few pieces of their conversation, but mostly I concentrated on my boy. Before he had come over tonight, he had another unpleasant run-in with his mother, and when I heard him sniffle, I only had to open my hand and rub up and down on hisshoulder.
“Thank you, Russell,” hewhispered.
“You are more than welcome, myRyan.”
I kissed his temple to offer him more comfort. I tried to keep my need to be affectionate with him to a minimum in front of Nick and Sadie. The truth of the matter was that they knew how much I loved Ryan. The contained affection on my part was for Ryan’s comfort. He had been friends with Sadie since college, and he had just barely come to terms with accepting the fact that it’s okay to be blind to genders. But, at the same time, I wasn’t going to let him sit here without any affection. Ryan had been starved his whole life for simple affection and positive physicaltouch.
