Wait, no. You’re doing it wrong. Don’t fuck this up. What the fuck is the other word?I backed away from him until my back was against the wall. He walked towards meslowly.
“Sorry. I mean, slow down…or traffic light…yellow! Yellow!” I swallowed hard and looked at him for reprieve. “I’m sorry, I forgot it.Yellow.”
He stood right in front of me, but he didn’t lookangry.
Why wasn’t heangry?
I let go of the waistband of my underwear that I had been clutching and quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and face. I put my hand back on the waistband while my other hand covered mystomach.
Was Ishaking?
“Good boy,Ryan.”
Good? No…no…not good. My dad hatedme.
Russell stretched his arm forward, setting his hand against the wall beside my head while the underside of his forearm touched my shoulder. His eyes hadn’t moved from mine, and then I felt his other hand cover mine over mystomach.
“Good, Ryan,” he said calmly and had accentuated the word “good.” He pulled my hand away from my stomach so he could flatten his hand againstme.
I could feel myself quiver against his hand and was incredibly embarrassed. I fought to find my voice, but couldn’t. All that came out was a patheticwhimper.
“Relax, Ryan. You have nothing to be ashamed over.” Russell’s hand came off the wall and patted the side of my head and face. “Nothing.”
My eyes were drawn to his, and I couldn’t look away. I clamped my mouth shut so no more sounds would escape. His thumb stroked my abdomen while I tried to calm my body down. I didn’t want to look like a pussy, though he’d already told me that I wasn’t. His eyes were so kind looking, like heunderstood.
While I stood there, shaking and staring at Russell, I thought back to being held down over my dad’s desk in his den as he spanked me. But all I heard was Russell’s voice telling me that I wasbrave.
“Breathe,Ryan.”
My nose was too congested to breathe through, and when I opened my mouth for air, another gasp and sob embarrassed me. I started to lower my head so he wouldn’t see me cry, but I remembered that he didn’t want me to lower my head and hide from him. But I couldn’t look at him. I kept my eyes on his chest while he rubbed on my stomach. I felt weakened, but like I could lean onhim.
“Sorry,” came out of my mouth when I thought I was back incontrol.
“What are you apologizingfor?”
“I—I don’t know.” I looked in his eyes; he hadn’t looked mad or frustrated. “I just, didn’t think this would actually make me…youknow.”
“Cry?”
Inodded.
“I was fine until you startedtalking.”
I laughed a little and wiped my eyes again with the back of my hand. My head was starting to throb fromcrying.
“Ryan, they’re words you’ve felt for a while, but you’ve been afraid to believe the truth in them.” I looked down again. “Ryan, being disciplined out of love, is different than what you endured. You have believed for your whole life that what happened was because you deserved it. That is not the case. Hearing the truth, cut right through that armor of yours. Look at me.” I looked him in the eyes, and then he said, “That is why my words affected you so much. It is a truth you needed to hear and face. That is what gave you the release…not my hand to yourass.”
I quickly tried to decipher everything, but my head was way too full. I tried to break the seriousness and made a comment about my sore butt and got a laugh out ofhim.
“Isn’t your hand sore?” Iasked.
“Not atall.”
Russell pulled his hand away from my stomach and turned it over to reveal that it was barelyred.
“It’s all in the way I arch my hand to connect with your skin. The arch, if you will, is most of the mind-fuck to it all. An arched palm delivers a loud noise. In this case, the sound is harsher than the bite,” he explained and winked atme.
I nodded at what he had said. It made more sense as I thought about it. The spanking had sounded worse than it actually was. I had survived a bare-handed spanking from the Top of allTops.
