He had been terrified of any sort of relationship, but he would find out that the dynamic we have would be unlike anything he’d ever experienced. I moved his hands away, and I placed one of my hands on his stomach and tilted his head up with my otherhand.
“They didn’t knowhowto love you, Ryan. I do. I will not abandonyou.”
“But, there’s stuff that I can’t do. Sex. Ican’t.”
“Ryan—”
“I mean, you can play with others or have someone else for the sex. I just can’t. Leonard maybe. I think he would like that.” He played with the hem of his t-shirt. “Plus, he’s really obedient. And he said he knows the level of stuff you like andneed.”
“Ryan, I am way past the age where sex in a relationship is a necessity. I don’t need sex to be content. And I absolutely don’t need Leonard. You don’t understand yet, but I’ve waited for you, my boy. My soul has waited for you.Understand?”
He looked up at me, and I was pleased that he held my gaze for a good length of time. It probably helped that I had rubbed on his belly and stopped the bleeding, so tospeak.
“Now, relax and come withme.”
He nodded and followed me to my room. The very first thing I did was pull the t-shirt off my shoulder that I had draped over when Ryan stopped by the playroom. I folded it again and placed it in my drawer with the otherundershirts.
“Come with me, please,” I said and led him to the full-length mirror that stood beside the door that led into my walk-incloset.
“On days that you and I have arranged a session, when you arrive you are to come into my room, and you are to remove your clothes in front of the mirror. You are to look at yourself as you remove your clothes. With me sofar?”
“Yes. I come in here and get naked in front of yourmirror.”
He smiled and laughed a little. It was good to see that his humor hadreturned.
“Good boy. Now, followme.”
I opened up the door to my walk-in closet and stepped inside and pointed to a section that I had cleared for him. Ryan needed to see that he belonged, and inclusion would help drive that pointhome.
“After you undress you are to bring your clothes in here and hang them up. These are your hangers, Ryan. You will no longer undress in the playroom, nor will you store your clothes on a table that others use during my parties. You and I share something beyond that room. This is where you will hang your clothes.” I put my hand on an empty shelf and said, “I would like for you to bring over a few pairs of underwear and keep them on this shelf.Understand?”
He nodded quickly and repeated everything that I had told him. He had listened. And now, he just needed tobelieve.
Before Ryan left, from the top of the dresser I gathered five of the same t-shirts that he had worn last night. I put them in his arms and smiled at his blank expression. I wasn’t going to over complicate this for him. I knew he would feel shy and embarrassed about having a security blanket, of sorts. But that’s exactly what thesewere.
Last night I discovered he had been sitting in damp clothes because he hadn’t wanted to remove the t-shirt I sent him home in. I realized the security item, such as my t-shirt, was exactly what he needed. I spent an hour wearing each one of the t-shirts that morning before he came over so that they had my scent on them. It’s a no brainer that Ryan felt safe in my company. The t-shirts now smelled like me, and if he wore them to bed and woke up from a nightmare, then my scent would be there. He’d have that secure connection until I got on the phone with him. Then, if I could get him to close his eyes while I talked to him, it’d be the next best thing to me being rightthere.
“What are these for?” he shylyasked.
“They’re for you to sleepin.”
“I have a bunch of t-shirts for that. These are reallynice.”
He was eyeing the tag-less label again. I leaned against the dresser and watched him worry about the t-shirts.
“Ryan, when you were young, did you have a stuffed animal or perhaps a blanket that you carried around or sleptwith?”
He shook his head and hadn’t looked up from the shirt. I decided not to go through my reasons for giving him these shirts. He didn’t need to know the reasons or understand why he needed this. All he needed to understand was that he would feel comforted at night by theconnection.
“You are to wear each one only once. At the end of the week, bring them all back to me and then I’ll replenish your stock. That way you always have one to wear tobed.”
He nodded and one side of his mouth turned up into a smile. Ryan raised the shirts to his nose andinhaled.
“They smell like you. Or your cologne.” He took another whiff of the shirts. “It’s like I’ll be taking you to bed with me eachnight.”
The innocence in the way he said his little joke about the shirts nearly did me in.Yes, my dear Ryan, think of it exactly that way.I wanted to cross the space between us to him and kiss him, but I held my position at thedresser.
I followed him to the front door, and his quirkiness had returned at full strength. With his hand on the door, he turned and said, “I didn’t earn a kiss today,” and he opened the door partway.
