“Thank you for washing the shirt, Ryan. Why are youapologizing?”
“Because I thought that I wrecked it. It’s a really nice shirt, and you were kind to allow me to wear it lastnight.”
He hadn’t felt worthy of wearing a simple t-shirt of mine. I had planned on letting him keep that shirt, plus I had set aside a few other t-shirts for him to take home. The t-shirts would give him that connection that he clearly wanted and craved. I realized that if I had told him to keep the one he took home last night that the way his mind would have worked would have been to assume that he ruined the t-shirt and that it was no longer good enough forme.
“You didn’t ruin the t-shirt, Ryan. I wanted you to wear it last night.” I stood next to him and flattened the neck of the t-shirt out and pointed to the symbols and explained what each meant. “And, if I’m being perfectly honest, the sight of you wearing only my t-shirt in my bedroom last night is burned into mymemory.”
I jostled his shoulders and as he laughed, shades of his shyness and embarrassment colored his cheeks. I playfully grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged him closer to me, and I kissed histemple.
“Follow me, I prepared some lunch for us to takeoutside.”
I set the t-shirt down on the kitchen island and picked up the tray of food. Ryan carried the plates and our drinks, and we settled under the patio cover across from one another at the table. I knew he had a million things on his mind, and the sooner he started talking, the better for him. I had a few topics to tackle with him, but I needed to put the ball in hiscourt.
“What’s one thing that is on your mind, Ryan?” I asked him after he had eaten a sandwich and was working on somefruit.
“Fuck,” Ryan said lightly and smiled. “There’s somuch.”
I thought this was a very good sign that Ryan was open and willing to discuss what he had been thinking about during the past severalhours.
“Pick one, let’s talk aboutit.”
“I guess the biggest thing that I keep thinking about is that you’ve cared. I mean, I knew that you cared. Nick and Sadie said you’ve always cared about your apprentices and play partners. But I just didn’t know you cared about me likethat.” He took a sip from his glass and then quickly added, “I didn’t know you thought about me alot.”
“I don’t…only all of the time,” Iadmitted.
He looked at me and laughed, then leaned back in his chair. Ryan shook his head, and absentmindedly rubbed his hand over hisstomach.
“This is wild and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to rationalize everything, and each time when I think I’m okay with all of it, I hear things my dad had said. I mean, he’d freak out and beat me if Icried.”
I took a slow deepbreath.
“Don’t allow his hate and lack of understanding affect your life and the way you want to live it,Ryan.”
“Here’s the thing, Russell,” he said and leaned forward to grab a cookie. “I liked last night.” His eyes hadn’t skirted away from mine. “There were times I was nervous, but I felt completely safe because it was you. You know everything about me and last night I kept thinking about what you said a good Top or Dominant must be able to do; that they have to be able to push their submissive to the edge of their limits, but not push thempast.”
I nodded, pride about to burst from mychest.
“And I knew that since you know everything about me, that you would safely play withme.”
“That’s right, Ryan. I will always be careful and considerate with oursessions.”
“But, then that brings me to anotherconcern.”
I nodded and gestured for him tocontinue.
“I can’t be played with, or toyed with.” He looked down at his plate. I could see the worry setting in. “I don’t think I can play, or have sessions, without my emotions getting in the way. I don’t think I can be a play partner. I…I don’t want to play with others at yourparties.”
“Ryan, you’re mine. Period. I don’t share what’smine.”
He sipped from his glass again as he geared up with hisreply.
“But, you’re a Top. They have sessions withmultiple—”
“Ryan, the day of our first session, I knew you would put an end to my Top days. I knew very quickly that you could not be a bottom. That would harm you and douse your spirit. You’d have fun during the session, but you’d be alone and still nursing that ache. You needed a Dominant that would focus solely onyou.”
“But, you loved being aTop.”
“I love you,Ryan.”
