Russell’s thumb moved slowly up and down the left side of my neck from my hairline to the collar of my shirt while he spoke toDaniel.
“I don’t think I’d ever seen you play with that much heart. Jeanine and I watched, as did most of the other guests. It is good to see you like this,Russell.”
“Thank you, myfriend.”
“And, he took your beloved strap,” Jeanine chimed in as she joined theconversation.
“Indeed, he did,” Russell said. “He has pleased me like noother.”
My god, then there was the whole strap thing on top of everything else running through my head. I couldn’t think about any of it rightnow.
In my peripheral vision, Leonard moved away from the part of the counter that he had been leaning against. Was he angry? He was better than me, so I guess I could see how he’d feelsnubbed.
For the duration of the party, Russell stayed beside me. He either rubbed lightly on my neck or upper back, then he’d change and rub up and down my right arm, but rougher. The heat he generated wasappreciated.
After his other guests left, he walked me to thedoor.
“I’m very proud of you, Ryan.” I smiled and nodded, still unsure of what happened tonight and how I felt about it. “Ryan, I know there is a lot on your mind. Please, don’t overthinkthis.”
“Okay, do I overthink things a lot?” I asked, genuinely interested in his honest assessment ofme.
“In the past several months that I’ve gotten to know you, yes, youoverthink.”
He laughed when he heard me laugh. He was probably right. I did overthink. His hand squeezed my shoulder, jostling me until I was able to look at himagain.
“If you feel ‘off’ tonight, I want you to callme.”
“Okay,” I said and turned to face thedoor.
I suddenly felt very awkward and unsure of how to leave. Things were different now than they had been all of the other times. I reached for the door handle, and before I turned it, Russell’s hand was on the back of my neck. When I turned to look at him, in one swift move, he had pressed my back against the door. His mouth was on mine again, and his hand cradled the back of my head so that it didn’t bang against the door. As Russell claimed my mouth, all I could think I about was what he had said to me earlier;I needed to wait until you wereready.
I remained as still as possible while his tongue pushed its way around, but relaxed too. I should be telling myself to move, shouldn’t I? But, this was Russell. As the kiss continued, he pressed his hand against my chest with his fingers splayed. When I relaxed my jaw more, I heard a growl rumble from his chest and couldn’t keep myself from smiling. He slowly pulled his mouth away from mine when he detected mysmile.
Shit, did I ruin a moment? I’d never had moments likethis.
“Sorry,” I whispered and forced my smileback.
“What are you sorry for,Ryan?”
“Smiling.”
“You’re apologizing to me for feeling lighthearted and allowing a smile toescape?”
“Um.” It sounded like a stupid thing to be apologizing for. “Yeah, I think so.” I smiled again and looked down, but he caught my chin and kept my head level. Neither of us had moved from the position against thedoor.
“What made you grin,Ryan?”
“The growl thing…not like, you’re an animal or anything. Um, your noise made mesmile.”
Russell stared in my eyes, and a smile crept onto his face. He patted my chest firmly and added, “You have no idea the things you do to me or the things you make me want to do toyou.”
I felt heat spread across my cheeks at his declaration. I made him want to do things to me. Me! I was stunned and at a loss for words. Russell knew everything about my life and shitty past, but I made him feel things, and he wanted to do things to me. The feeling overwhelmed me, and I quickly found something humorous tosay.
“I make you want to do dirty things to me, huh?” I playfully asked and wagged my eyebrows athim.
I had hoped and pretty much guaranteed that would end his moment of being kind and sentimental. But fuck, what an epicfail.
“No, everything isn’t dirty or depraved, Ryan. You make me feel things that I’d never felt. You make me want to carry the heavy weight that has been on your shoulders since you were a boy. You make me want to show you that your body is allowed to give and receive pleasure.” He rubbed his hand over my heart. “You make me want to show you that this heart of yours is capable of loving someone and that you damn well deserve to be loved.” He moved his hand to my stomach, and I felt myself lean against his hand. “You make me want to pull out all of the black and darkness that sits in the pit of your stomach, your soul. You make me want to wrap you up and hold you. You’ve challenged my own self-restraint for months now, Ryan, and I’m going to show you that you are something to someone…you areeverythingtome.”
