I went through the other text message, which was from Nick asking if I was planning on coming over tomorrow for the baseball game. I skipped my reply to that text so I could listen to themessages.
“Message one, from Ryan,” the computer spoke.Yes! Ryan!I turned up the volume on the steering wheel to make sure I could hear his voiceclearly.
“Hi, Russell…it’s Ryan…the Ryan you’re fucking…um, if I’ve done something to make you mad, I’m sorry…I’m sorry for whatever I did, or didn’t do that you wanted…or needed. If you need someone different, I understand…just…just tell me. Or text me…orwhatever.”
Fuck.
“Repeat message fromRyan.”
I listened to his voice. My boy was crushed and heartbroken. He had no actual valid reason to be, but fucking Leonard did this tohim.
“CallRyan.”
I focused on the dark road as I waited to Ryan to pick up. It rang until the voicemail greeting pickedup.
“What’s up? It’s Ryan, please leave a message,” his recording said tome.
“Dammit!” I swore and disconnected the call. I looked at the display that told me approximately how long I had until I reached Vegas; one hour and fifty minutes. That wasn’t going to cut it. I needed to be there quicker. My boy has been spiraling allday.
I drove straight to Ryan’s house, and it was after midnight when I rang his doorbell. With my forearm resting on his house next to the door, I waited for him. It took two rings of the doorbell and three knocks with my knuckles before the porch light flipped on and my boyappeared.
“Ryan,” was all I gotout.
His appearance knocked the wind out of me. Sadness and fear filled his eyes for the brief moment that he made eye contact with me. Ryan was wearing one of my t-shirts, and his hands quickly gravitated to his stomach. It was as though he felt bad for needing to comfort the ache that had built all day. He pulled his hands away and let them rest at his side. He stared at my chest as his hands took hold of the hem of his loose boxers.It’s okay, myboy.
I took a step forward, then one foot inside, followed by the other foot. I put my hand on his chest and applied just enough pressure to get him to back up. When he did, I stepped in further, and while I kept my eyes on him I reached behind me to shut the door. I took hold of his bicep and guided his back against the door, putting his body between mine and the door. I moved my hand up the side of his face and took hold of a handful of his hair before pressing my mouth against his. I needed to breathe him in almost as much as he needed it. My heart ached as I felt his reluctant kiss. I pulled my head away slightly and trailed my hand down to his abdomen, raised the hem of his shirt, and rubbed my thumb over his flesh. I looked in his eyes and saw him caving. I nodded at him, giving him permission to cave. Now that he was in my hands, he could completely cave, and he’d know that he would besafe.
“Talk to me, Ryan. I know you’re aching. Did Leonard talk toyou?”
He nodded and tried to lookdown.
“Ryan, don’t hide from me, myboy.”
He laughed and thensniffed.
“Am I…yours?” He looked up at me with those big brown eyes. Ryan had swollen bags under hiseyelids.
“You are,Ryan.”
“But I’m not good enough, to be anything but a toy.” He rubbed his eyes with the back of hishand.
“Ryan, those aren’t my words, nor are they myfeelings.”
“But, Leonard knowsyou!”
“No, my boy,youknowme.”
“But he knows I’m not good enough foryou.”
“Ryan, Ryan, no.” I pulled his body into an embrace and could feel the tension in his body. He took a step to the side and out of myarms.
“I...” Ryan began and then shook his head and looked down at the ground. His eyes didn’t stop on my chest as they usually did forcomfort.
“Ryan—”
“I can’t have you touch me anymore. I can’t have you touch me, only to leave me. I won’t survive the ache you leavebehind.”
I grabbed his arm again to pull him close to me again, and crushed my mouth against his. My tongue claimed every inch of his mouth. When I released his mouth, I captured his lower jaw with my thumb on one side and fingers on the oppositeside.
