17
Ryan
Things had been going really wellwith Russell. He seemed to be happy with me and had been taking me to more parties and even hosted a few more. I had even become more comfortable with playing with him in front of others. I had started to relax regarding the aftercare. I still preferred it away from people at parties, but I was beginning to accept the fact that he would do some form of care. I had even started to look forward to this time withhim.
Russell had been clearly the most solid person in my life. Hell, I think Russell would easily be the strongest person in most people’s lives. He was there for me and always answered my calls in the middle of the night. Simply put, Russell was everything to me now and I neededhim.
And that might be the biggest revelation since he started mentoring me nine months ago; I needed him, and it was okay for me to need him. I loved himtoo.
“Alright my boy, it’s late. Before you go to sleep, tell me something positive about your day,” Russellinquired.
“We had a hot session today,” I eagerly offered up as I thought back to this afternoon. I closed my eyes as I awaited to hear what I hoped would comenext.
“Good boy,” he said soothingly. “Goodnight, and I loveyou.”
“Goodnight, Russell. Love you too,” Isaid.
I set the phone down on the nightstand and drifted off to sleep in one of his undershirts that smelled likehim.
I woke up panicked as I tried to shake the nightmare from my mind. My first reaction was to get the light on and see what kind of damage there was; sweat. But as I reached for the light, I felt the cold fabric of my shirt brush against my skin. I flicked the light on and looked down. Yep, there was a line of sweat that ran from the neckline down to my stomach. The entire neckline, armpits, and partially down the sides wasdrenched.
Calm down and change shirts.That’s what Russell would say. I got out of bed, changed out of my damp underwear and t-shirt, and pulled on dry ones. I looked at the clock as I picked up my cell phone from the nightstand; 1:18a.m.
“Fuck,” I swore. I ran my hand through my hair and clutched the t-shirt around my stomach. It was the middle of the night. I couldn’t keep bothering him each week in the dead of night. “Let him sleep,” I said tomyself.
I sat on the floor and leaned back against the bed. I messed around on my phone for an hour looking at baseball scores. The new baseball season was here and I had been excited about it. I messed around on the Major League Baseball site until my eyes got heavyagain.
I pulled myself up off the floor, rolled my shoulders and stretched. I stared at my damp pillow and the top sheet that had been twisted and tangled during my nightmare. To the touch, the sheets were cold and damp still. With my cell phone in hand, I sighed and climbed back into bed, but on the dry side of thebed.
I brought up Russell’s name and stared at it. My thumb even hovered over the phone icon to call. But I couldn’t bring myself to press it. I wanted to, but he’s not going to keep me around if I bugged him all thetime.
“You’re so useless, Ryan. You were brought into this world for one purpose and you can’t even do that right,” my father’s words rang out in my head from my dream. I set my phone down on the mattress by the damp pillow, and pulled the sheet up over my shoulders. I closed my eyes and hoped that my dad wouldn’t find me in my dreams, if I were to fall asleepagain.
Hours later, I woke with a jolt and sat up in bed to the muffled sound of my cell phone. I threw back the sheet to find the phone. Thankfully today was Saturday. I found my phone under the other pillow just as it had stopped ringing and the “missed call” notification popped up with Russell’s Mercedes symbol that I had assigned to his contact info. I noticed that I had two texts from him and three texts from Leonard. I frowned and just as I was about to open the texts, the notification came on the screen for a voicemail. I pressed it to listen, and Russell’s voice instantly relaxedme.
“Rise and shine, my boy. I sent you a few texts a bit ago, please reply so that I know you’re up and okay. I have something urgent that requires my attention today, so I will not be around. I will call you as soon as I can. I love you,Ryan.”
I listened to it several times. Disappointed, I tossed the phone down. I wouldn’t see him today. I had hoped to see him and have a session. I felt like I needed one after the long night and nightmare. But, I couldn’t be selfish. He had something urgent and he had to take care of it. The more I had thought about it, the guiltier I felt about being disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him that day. I was such adick.
“Youareuseless, Ryan,” I repeated the words of my father, “Useless and selfish. Yep, that wasme.”
I laid back down and decided to look at the missedtexts.
Russell: Good morning, my boy. I hope you slept well. I’m going for my jognow.
I smiled as I looked at the selfie that he sent me in his workout clothes. Damn, he looked good. Even based on looks alone, it was no wonder people thought he was sexy. His personality, though, that was the killer. He could haveanyone.
At this point, he hadn’t mentioned the urgent thing that came up. Of course, it was 5:00 a.m. when he was up and ready for his jog and had sent me that text. I moved onto the next one that came in an hour and halflater.
Russell: I got my jog and swim in. All showered and sitting out on the patio with my coffee and breakfast. Hope you’re sleeping peacefully. I’d love to be next to you rightnow.
Still no sign or mention of something urgent. I replied to the text, as his voice message asked. I didn’t want him toworry.
Ryan: I’m up. Sleptin.
I moved onto the texts fromLeonard.
Leonard: Want to get together this weekend for some pointers on how to be what Russell wants andneeds?
