“Ryan?”
I nodded and as he removed his hand from my stomach, I whined at the loss. Fuck! I sound like an absolutebaby.
“It’ll beokay.”
“Russell, can we have another beating session? Please, I feel like…I feel like I really needit.”
“I know. I will take care of you and your needs, but right now I need you to sit down andrelax.”
He said he’d take care of me and my needs. Did I have a lot of needs? Aside from really needing to be beaten right then so I could shake that shitty feeling, I didn’t think that I had a lot of needs. Russell put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me away from the wall that I leanedagainst.
I stiffly walked back inside and slowly back over to the couch. Nick was in the kitchen refilling his glass, but when Sadie saw me walk towards the couch, she slid over to the place where I had been sitting. I took her place on the couch when Russell pointed to it, and then he sat down beside me. I stared at my dark phone on the coffee table. Sometimes I hated that thing. And now, Sadie and Russell had both seen the shittiest part of my life. It had literally been captured onfilm.
No one brought anything about it up. It was almost as if it hadn’t happened. I wish that had been the case. For the rest of the game, my anger faded and I grew exhausted. I was still deeply embarrassed, but I no longer had the energy to worry about it right now. After the game, Russell picked up my cell phone and walked out with me. He handed it back to me as I stood by the door to mySUV.
“Don’t turn this on for a while. But text me when you have it on and I will callyou.”
What about the beating session? Wasn’t he still going to do that? I started to ask about it, but he stoppedme.
“I know you’re hurting, Ryan. I imagine you feel like your soul is going to burn a hole right through you. I will help you. We will have our session tomorrow. Ipromise.”
“Okay,” I believed him. I was so tired anddrained.
I woke up in the middle of the night, haunted by the texts and worried that Russell was going to stop mentoring me. In the back of my mind, I was also worried about needing something or someone. Especially needing something that only a person could provide, or more importantly, needing that person. I knew he said that I could text or call him whenever, so I reached for myphone.
Ryan: Are youawake?
I glanced at the clock; 2:00 a.m. As I was about to type out what I was worried about, his text cameover.
Russell: I’m here,Ryan.
Ryan: I think my need is turning dangerous. I’m afraid to need someone, or something that only a person can provide. I’m afraid to get attached to either of thosethings.
Russell: We’re already attached,Ryan.
He was attached to me? Was it a friend attachment, or more like a mentor and apprentice thing? Or a Top and bottom? Was I a bottom to him? Would I ever be anything toanyone?
I tossed and turned until the sun came up and then got ready to go over to Russell’s for my session. I was grateful that I had lots of vacation hours to burn through and took the day off. I needed it badly. Russell told me to come over at 9:00 a.m. I waited in my car until I was within five minutes of 9:00 and then I went to his door. Russell opened his door, calm and cool as could be and I stepped inside, eager for therelease.
“Thank you for doing this for me today, Russell. I’m sorry about texting in the middle of thenight.”
He smiled and reminded me that I wasn’t to apologize for something that I felt like I needed. Those words made me feel good, but what he said next worried me and made my heartpound.
“I’ve kept myself controlled while letting you figure things out and get your feet wet in this lifestyle. But I’m not going to watch you suffer anymore. We’re doing it completely my waytoday.”
“Okay,” I said and gripped the back of my neck. Was he going to use that strap onme?
“As your mentor, friend, and someone who cares and loves you, it must be done thisway.”
What? He cares and loves me? Like,lovelove, or like friend love, or like a sibling wouldlove?
“Okay,” Isaid.
“Undress here. Set your clothes on thetable.”
Undress here? His entryway? I didn’t doddle and quickly removed everything. I followed him to the play room and crossed the room to the spanking bench, but Russell took hold of mybicep.
“I want you to kneel here.” Russell pointed to a spot on the floor and I glanced at how far away the spot was from the raised horizontal bar. How would he chain me this far away? Maybe he wasn’t going to chain me. “Sit back on your heels and faceforward.”
