Chapter Sixteen
Ryan
Somehow,I had managed an open-ended invite into the football viewing circle of Russell, Nick, and Sadie. Every Sunday they gathered at either Nick’s or Russell’s home and watched some football games. Nick and Russell were die-hard football fans and they were great to bearound.
I had been worried that I might have been just an apprentice to Russell, rather than a true friend. I tossed and turned many nights as I wondered about that. I certainly had last night after the party. But then I’d get into this environment where it’s just me with them and I’d remind myself that they hadn’t invited anyone else over for their football parties. Just me. Russell wouldn’t just invite an apprentice of his to this kind of setting, would he? Kink or BDSM stuff had hardly ever been discussed during the football games on Sunday. Occasionally, Nick asked me what I had learned over the week from Russell, but other than that, it was never brought up. That meant we were friends…right?
The team that Nick and Russell had been rooting for was killing their opponent and it wasn’t much of a game anymore. During a commercial, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I tried not to be glued to my phone and rarely pulled it out during these football parties. Nick and Russell never fucked around with their phones, but they were slightly older than Sadie and I. It was probably a generational thing. The only reason I pulled the phone out was because I had worried it was going to be the senior home where Mom is at telling me that something had happened. All of my friends were here with me, except for April and Kim, so I knew it wasn’t anyone that I normally socializedwith.
When I looked at the screen, it was much worse than being someone at the senior center; my brother. Chad had sent over six long messages with videos of me. I felt myself shake. My stomach turned and I felt as though my body was burning up. I felt sick as I saw the videos light up my screen and I knew this was his retaliation for being at rock bottom and needing money. I nearly dropped my phone when Sadie said myname.
“Ryan,” she whispered and wrapped her hand around mywrist.
Stunned, I looked at her and then back down at my phone. I couldn’t make words come out of my mouth, I just kept looking at the screen. Old videos, ranging in age stared back at me as a reminder that I would never outrun this shit. I risked looking at Russell and Nick. My eyes got stuck on Russell. He had been leaning back in his chair, his head had rested in his open palm as he watched the game. But now his eyes were intensely on me. He leaned forward in his chair, still staring atme.
“Ryan, hand me the phone,” he saidcalmly.
I couldn’t. He’d see. He’d see them and then he’d know that I really was a fucking pussy. I felt like my world was falling away from me. It was just like in college on that morning that I discovered my brother had sent videos to my coaching staff. I lost all of that. I’d lose all of this too if Russellsaw.
“Give me the phone,” he saidagain.
Without thinking completely, I reached out and gave him the phone. I rubbed my knees while Russell looked at every disgusting and humiliating thing that my brother had sent. He powered my phone off and set it on the coffeetable.
“Come outside with me, Ryan,” Russell said andstood.
I followed Russell outside to Nick and Sadie’s porch and leaned against their house. I couldn’t look at him. Russell had seen the videos. Not in their entirety, but each of the clips had been playing when he took my phone from me. I was so embarrassed that I could only stare at his chest as he stood in front of me with his hands on hiships.
“Ryan, look atme.”
I swallowed hard and glanced at him. I wasn’t sure what I saw in his eyes, but it wasn’t disgust. I clamped my mouth tightly shut so he wouldn’t see me lose control. I couldn’t look at him and had to lookaway.
“Ryan.”
His voice was so kind and calm that I got choked up just on hearing him say my name. I reached for my stomach to try and hold myself together. As I settled my hand on my shirt, Russell stepped forward, lifted my hand, and reached under my shirt to set his hand on my bare stomach. I whimpered at his touch and could hardly contain mytears.
“Relax. Justbreathe.”
“But—”
“Breathe, Ryan. Deepbreaths.”
Even though he stroked my skin and gave my stomach some light pats, I still felt like crawling out of my skin and under a rock. I hated how I felt, and I was so embarrassed that Russell had to witness that and see those texts. I felt the need to talkagain.
“Russ—” was all I got out before he stopped meagain.
“Focus on breathing,Ryan.”
I was…sort of. I needed to go home to deal with this. The last place that I needed to be was under his eyes. My stomach hurt worse than ever right now and even though his hand on my stomach felt great, I couldn’t be there right then. I shut my eyes and forced my breathing to calm down.Calm down and keep your shit together!When I opened my eyes, he was still looking atme.
“Good,Ryan.”
Was he proud of me for something? How could he look at me and be proud of anything after the shit he had seen on myphone?
“I need to go, Russell.” It came out sounding as if I were waiting for him to say ‘okay.’
“Ryan, you don’t need to go. Trust me on this. You need to sit still for a while. We’re going to go back inside and sit down. You’re not going to touch your phone.Understand?”
I stared at him for a moment. But, I needed to gohome.
