Again, he smiled. His hand left the back of his neck, and the hand that had gripped his shirt relaxed. I went ahead and asked him about his parents. We’d touched on this in email, but I wanted his voice. The inflection and tone would give me a clearer idea of how deep these wounds mightbe.
“Had your parents used a belt, or something similar, on you as ayoungster?”
He nodded, but caught himself and spoke. He knew where I stood on verbal communication during a session. That included negotiations and after care. It was imperative he speak and not reply on non-verbal gestures. Now, regarding his past, I would give him someleeway.
“Yes.” I thought he’d leave it at that, but my apprentice continued. “They used a belt sometimes to disciplineme.”
It was most interesting to me that he called the abuse ‘discipline,’ almost implying that it was a punishment that he had earned.He gave you an open door;dig.
“We’re you a rambunctious kid?” I smiled at him and then rattled off something mild that could probably cause a violent parent to lash out and beat an ass. “Not doing homework? Leaving toysout?”
I was surprised at how quickly his cheeks reddened and his shoulders edged forward.Shame.He clasped his hands behind his neck, once again showing me his muscledarms.
“No, nothing like that. I was just a badkid.”
Something in his tone told me that he truly believed it, but I didn’t think that I’d get more out of him verbally regarding it. If both hands were on his neck and his cheeks were that red, I knew he feltoverwhelmed.
“Tonight, I’d like for you to email me why you think you were a badkid.”
“They told me I was,” he blurted out and then closed his eyes. A hand went down to his abdomen and when he opened his eyes, I saw a world of hurt floating in those big brown eyes. “I’msorry—”
“Ryan, what are you apologizingfor?”
His eyes focused on my chest and shifted side to side, and up anddown.
“You—you said that I should email you tonight. I said it. I didn’t follow your instructions.” When he peeked up at me, it was as though he felt like he had messed up. “I will do better at listening and followinginstructions.”
“It’s alright, Ryan. It pleases me that you felt comfortable enough to share.” His eyebrows raised slightly. “But tonight, I would still like to have an email from you as to whyyouthink you were bad. Other than ‘because they said so,’Ryan.”
He quickly nodded, eager to redeem himself, though, there was noneed.
“Back to your hard and soft limit list, you do not need permission from anyone to add, or remove something from your list. That is very important for you to understand.” He nodded. “But, having said that, as a responsible Top, it will be your responsibility to use sound judgement. If you’re negotiating a session with a bottom that you’ve known to hate crops, and she asks for a session with you and a crop, it would be wise of you to open dialogue to ensure you’re playingsafely.”
“I will. I understand,Russell.”
We arranged to have our session on Monday after his massage. I wanted him to have a few days to think about it some more and to contact me with anyquestions.
As I walked him out, I reiterated that I’d arrange the massage for him on Monday morning and would text him the address. He firmly shook my hand, and from my porch, I watched him walk to his SUV. I shook my head at his ill fitted jeans; I’m sure there was an ass and legs somewhere in thosepants.
Throughout the afternoon and into the evening, I thought about Ryan and considered everything. I made dinner and took it outside to enjoy on my patio. During dinner, I began to re-read through all of the email correspondences I had had with Ryan. I had thrown out every other time I had bumped into Ryan over at Nick and Sadie’s house. Now that we had met face to face in my home regarding the apprenticeship, I needed to re-read thoseemails.
There was something so likeable about Ryan. His honesty and personality, on top of his charm, innocence and that boyish dimple when he smiles, was going to make him so desirable in this community. Plus, he’s thirty-five. Young, but not tooyoung.
He’d been self-driven to obtain a college degree, he had a great job and a house. It appeared that his life was well put together and in order. But beyond that, his soul was burning. He was fresh into the lifestyle, but not too fresh. Certainly, fresh enough. He hadn’t been jaded by bad experiences in the lifestyle, and I would make sure he’d have good ones. I knew that I had friends that would devourhim.
But, he had interest in topping and being a ServiceTop.
I wasn’t convinced yet though. It’s not only the things he said, but what hewasn’tsaying that made me skeptical of him being a Top. His mannerisms made a bold statement to me. His movements weren’t confident and his nervousness wasevident.
A Top’s personality wouldn’t have shied away from his response about hard limits. He would have confidently answered; even a Top in training would. But he held onto his answer. He was reserved while he pondered what my reaction would be to his answer, until I encouraged him to share his response. When he felt it was safe to share his response, then he shared. As I praised him for responding and sharing, herelaxed.
Something stirred in me. Initially I had been very focused on everything that he had been telling me. But after our meeting today, I needed to focus on all of the things that hewasn’ttellingme.
Before I went to bed, I picked up my phone to check for the email that I had expected fromRyan.
Hi Russell!
I was a bad kid because I touched myself a lot. Thanks for spending time with me today. See youMonday!
Ryan
