Chapter Eight
Ryan
Ipressedthe button that would send the email to Russell and sighed. Well, if he said that I was too fucked up and backed out, then at least I would have prevented myself from getting involved before it was too late. I had at least found that those “impact” sessions gave me a great release. I almost felt high afterthem.
I logged onto the laptop and checked to see if Kim and April were online. They usually were in the evenings and had been eager to hear about my time withRussell.
April: So, how wasit?
Ryan: It was good! I’m getting less nervous about getting naked. It’s kinda a big deal forme.
Kim: Iknow.
Ryan: I mean, he is adude.
April: Ry-Guy, it’s ok that he’s aguy.
Wasit?
Ryan: I’m working on that part. Russell says there’s nothing wrong with it, too. But I’m still…I’mnervous.
Kim: Are you worried because he’s aguy?
April: Or because what happened toyou?
Leave it to April and Kim to ask hard questions. Was I worried because he was a guy? I think I was. Was it because of what had happened? That was probably part of ittoo.
But Russell was different. I didn’t think I had anything to worry about with Russell. I felt like I really could lean on him as a friend. He told me we werefriends.
Kim:Ryan?
April: Yo, Ry-Guy?
Ryan: Both. But I know he won’t do anything bad. It’s just in the back of mymind.
Kim: Does it worry you that it might meansomething?
What did it mean? I was a pussy, wasn’tI?
Ryan: It’s just being that open and vulnerable, I guess. I let him cuff me to a spanking bench! Yeah, I think about what thatmeans.
April: Settle down, Ry-Guy.
Now I was worked up over what all of these activities meant. My mind raced as my heart pounded. What did it mean? I was so fuckingconfused.
Ryan: What kind of man lets another man tie him up naked, and then lets him beat onhim?
I was seriously fucked up. And then Kim and April said some things that I hadn’texpected.
Kim: And enjoys it? A confident man who trusts his masculinity and the man toppinghim.
April: The kind of man who knows that being on the bottom doesn’t definehim.
Both of them made some form of reference to Russell in the Top position and me in the bottom position. What did that mean? Did it mean they think I was a bottom? Or were they just referring to the Top and bottom thing for these two beatingsessions?
Ryan: Your thoughts are what I want it to be. I want to be okay with all ofit.
Before I shut the lights out, I checked my email one last time to see if there was anything from Russell. I’m not sure what drew me towards the email, but when I saw a new email from him, relief flooded through me. He was still talking to me at least, so that wasgood.
