“I know you prefer some of our heavier discussions to be in an email. May I email you some additional questions for you to answertonight?”
“Yeah, I can answer themtonight.”
After he left, I spent some time in my spa, devising exactly how I wanted to word this email to Ryan. I decided that I would hit it head on with him and be upfront that I knew something happened when he was caught masturbating. As much insight as possible would be good withhim.
Through the evening I sent a few texts back and forth with him and then late in the evening I had my phone call with him. His tone was different; maybe more nervous now than he had been when he left the house earliertoday.
“What’s on your mind,Ryan?”
Ryan had been easy to figure outhowto talk to. If he had an open-ended question that gave him the option to run and hide, such as ‘Is there something on your mind,’ he could easily deny it and hoped to move on. But if I worded things in a manner that let him know that I was aware that something was on his mind, he’s at least less likely torun.
“Did you get my email? I sent the reply back to you a little whileago.”
I had received it but purposely hadn’t opened it. I wanted to wait until after our phone call. He had obviously been worried about it and what my reaction would be. I could imagine him either rubbing the back of his neck or his stomach.Settlehim.
“I did receive it, thank you for sending it back. Do you have some concerns overit?”
“No, it’s just…well you hadn’t said anything since I had sent it. And I didn’t know if maybe you had second guessed your offer to mentorme.”
Even though I hadn’t opened it yet, he didn’t need to know that. He needed reassurance that what he sent, and what he’d send in the future, wouldn’t affect our mentorship, or friendship. He needed that securitydesperately.
“Ryan, there is nothing you could tell me, or write to me, that would make me rescind that. The mentoring will cease when you’d like it to, but our friendship will always bethere.”
“Okay, that’sgood.”
I could hear the relief in his voice. I knew that I would need to reassure Ryan almost daily of something that no one should have to worry about; abandonment. He’s lived with the worry his whole life. He had never been able to rely on someone and now that he had a few people, he worried that those bonds would be tested as he revealedthings.
The fear was understandable. It’s all he’d known. It would change though. Not overnight, but it would change. I had the patience to ensure that itchanged.
Before I went to bed, I opened up his email to read his response to my question about what would happen when he had been caught masturbating. I read it three, four, maybe a dozen times to analyze it. With each read through, my own stomach started to hurtmore.
Russell,
When I’d get caught, different things happened. The usual would just be that they’d whip it. Typically, it was with wet dish rags, but sometimes a belt. If my mom caught me, she’d make me wait in my dad’s den for him to come home from work and then he’d do it. After the whipping, they’d do other stuff backthere.
Ryan
“Motherfuckers,”I said outloud.
So many things disturbed me about the content of his response. One of the most heartbreaking aspects was how he referred to his penis as “it,” and his ass as “back there.” He’s thirty-five and trapped as a child when he thought back to those hideoustimes.
