“You took quite a beating,” Iadded.
“Yeah, but—” he paused to take a large bite of his sandwich.Good. Eat, boy.I waited for him to chew and swallow. “I liked it though. It’s hard to explain.” Before I interjected, I gave him the opportunity to say what he had come upwith.
“I—”
He was trying. I’d wait allday.
“I feel like—like my lungs have been filled with air for the first time.” He put more grapes in his mouth and looked out over my yard as he chewed. “Like I’m breathing for the first time. Really deepbreathing.”
“Good, Ryan.” His face showed a hint of a slight smile. “Cathartic sessions, such as the few you’ve experienced, are meant to give you a release and let you breathe a littleeasier.”
“But what about that drop stuff? I don’t want thatagain.”
“It will lessen over time. Your body is in catch up mode. As we discussed the other day, you’re giving it things that it’s needed. Now it’s cravingthem.”
“Are you going tostop?”
I wasn’t certain what he was referring to, so rather than assume, I came right out and asked him to elaborate. Assumptions were dangerous in thisaspect.
“Am I going to stopwhat?”
“Mentoring me, and youknow—”
His voice trailed off as he gestured with his head towards thehouse.
“Beatingme.”
He glanced at me and then his eyes returned to his plate. Such a nervous, hurting soul. I would never turn my back on him. For one, I wasn’t not sure my heart could handle losing him and knowing that he was out there alone trying to make sense of his life. Or trying to calm an ache that he had no idea how tocalm.
“No, Ryan. Our mentoring dynamic will not cease, unless you’d like it to. The same goes for the cathartic sessions. When you feel the need for them, I will carefully carry themout.”
“Is that the Service Top in youtalking?”
Interesting. He searched for if I had genuine interest rather than me simply carrying out a task or him being just another apprentice. So many people had let him down and walked away from him in life. My answer would have an effect on him. Ryan was very impressionable as he wandered around life, nursing a bleeding soul while he searched for someone to help him. Someone he could rely on and trust. I was right here forhim.
“No, it’s not the Service Top in me talking, Ryan. It’s your friendtalking.”
His head whipped up and nothing could disguise the happiness in his eyes. Pure, genuine, happiness. The expression on his face and everything that his eyes told me filled my own heart withjoy.
“We’refriends?”
“We are, Ryan. And should you decide you no longer want to be mentored, that maybe you decide it’s not for you, we’ll still befriends.”
He smiled and nodded. I could tell that he knew that he found a trusted place. Perhaps, the place where he could be himself. I knew that he was drawn to the comfort of getting permission to cry and expel all that he’scarried.
“May I ask you something?” heasked.
“Of course. Remember, I’m an open book for you, Ryan,” I reminded him. I didn’t want him to be intimidated or afraid to askanything.
“How come you don’t have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend, I mean.”His hand moved to his stomach.“I mean, a partner. I’m sorry, I—” he closed his eyes and his cheeks reddened. “I’m sor—I didn’t mean to say ‘sorry.’ I just—” Ryan closed his mouth tightly and looked down. He rubbed quickly up and down on his arm.Chilled. Settle him. Don’t reprimand him for apologizing; he caught himself. Drawing attention to it isunnecessary.
“I thoroughly enjoy being a Service Top.” He looked up and his body relaxed into the chair when he realized that I wasn’t going to point out his error with the air apology. “Topping, and meeting the needs of a play partner gives me fulfillment. I’m very happy and content withthat.”
He nodded and reached for acookie.
“That makes sense. Can I have one of these?” he asked with his hand on thecookie.
“That’s what they’re herefor.”
