* * *
Icould tellthat Ryan was tense the moment he walked inside. His hand immediately went to the back of his neck as we made our way down the hallway to begin our session. I could feel his tension, wrapped around his body and soul like barbedwire.
Was all of this stress over the situation with his mother’s need to be placed in assisted living? Thinking of her may have sparked some less than fond memories forhim.
Inside the play room, Ryan shifted nervously from foot to foot and took small steps to keep from getting in what he thought was my way.Settlehim.
“Ryan, stopmoving.”
He stood still and issued one of his “air apologies,” as I called it. It’s where he’d say an apology for nothing. It’s his mindset that made him feel better for saying ‘sorry.’ There was nothing genuine attached to it other than fear. He learned very early on that an apology might make the difference in getting hurt or not. Whenever he thought someone was angry or displeased with him, he simply would say that he’s sorry. The feeling of making someone unhappy with him was riddled with guilt.Nip this before you start hearing an apology foreverything.
“Ryan, explain to me what you’re apologizing for,” I said calmly and stood in front ofhim.
His eyes shifted to the side and then his hand went to the back of his neck again. Ryan’s free hand went to his stomach and flattened against the bulky material. He opened his mouth and then quickly closed it. I reminded myself that I was trying to rewire a lot of conditioning and above all I needed to exercise patience and calmness with him. I was about to explain that there hadn’t been anything for him to apologize for when he spokeup.
“I thought that maybe I was in yourway.”
“You weren’t. Had I asked you to stand in a particularspot?”
“No.”
“Had I asked you tomove?”
“No.”
“Then you were fine where you stood. You didn’t need to apologize for being nervous and fidgetingaround.”
He nodded that he understood, and I believed that he genuinely had believed it. I hoped over time, he would apologize less and would catch himself when he’s about to. At least, that was myhope.
We went through our verbal routine and he recited his safe word. Hairdryer was too odd of a word for him to have pulled it out of the air. When we previously discussed safe words, I told him we could use “red” if he liked, or he could find a suitable word. As for the reasoning, I will dig into that intime.
“Please remove your clothes and set them on the table. Place your shoes under the table, then stand at the foot of thebench.”
He nodded and set off to take care of his task with speed. I leaned against the table on the opposite side of the room that had all the toys and tools on it. I wanted to make this a routine as well; give him space to ease into this and not be right on top of him.Right on top of him.I pushed those thoughts out of my head and reserved them for anothertime.
I watched the lines of his shoulder blades move as he folded his t-shirt and jeans before he set them on the table. He raised his knee up to remove his sock and more lines appeared on his legs and forearms. Underwear would always be last with him. His modesty was a breath of fresh air tome.
Ryan held his shoulders a notch or two higher now than he had during our first session. This was stress and tension. He rigidly walked to the spanking bench and stared straight ahead. From where I was at, I had a perfect view of him from his head to his knees. I didn’t think I ever remembered having an apprentice, or bottom, that was as disconnected to their body as much as Ryanwas.
“You look tense, Ryan.” He nodded. “Is it the situation over your mother?” His stomach muscles tensed when I referred to his mother.Interesting. Was it bringing her up that caused that physical reaction, or simply saying the word “mother?” Either way, he had a strong, negative, physical reaction. He nodded, confirming his yes response. “Is there something else that has you sotense?”
“Yes. I have been wanting this session all week. I mean, really since the firstone.”
Honesty.
“Why does that have you tense? Are younervous?”
“A little. I didn’t want you to tell me that you wouldn’t do it. But I feel like I need it. It makes me feelbetter.”
I stared at this bundle of nerves and was proud that he acknowledged that he felt better from it.Praisehim.
“Good, Ryan. I’m glad that you feel better fromthem.”
His shoulders dropped a bit and his chin raised slightly at my words. Ryan’s mouth had closed and his lips formed a slightsmile.
I instructed him to mount the spanking bench in the same position as our first session while I selected the same flogger. I set the flogger down on the bench near Ryan’s left knee and stood where I could see his face as it rested on his right cheek.Carefully pushhim.
I reached out and rubbed my hand over his upper back and complimented him. “Good, Ryan. Looks like your knees and forearms are perfectly in place.” His content smile appeared and his dimple tagged along with his grin. I felt his shoulder blades relax and continued to rub firmly to warm hisskin.
