I almost said yes to going to get food with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The hospital room was quiet for a while, but then he had to ruin the silence that I had beenenjoying.
“You look good, Ry. Dad would have flipped to see how nice you turnedout.”
“Stop,Chad.”
“What? Are you such a dick that you can’t even accept a fuckingcompliment?”
“It’s not acompliment.”
“Yes, it is. Look at how you filled out. Must be all that baseball shit. I’d flex all the time in the mirror if I had what youhave.”
“I don’t flex and look atmyself.”
Truth be told, I never looked at myself or my body any longer than I had to. Looking at myself made me feel really shitty about myself and all the things that I had done andallowed.
I stayed for a few days and absorbed more shit from Chad’s mouth and then the occasional crap from my mom. But half the time she called me Chad, so not much hadchanged.
FALL2006
Nikki and I waited nervously together in the exam room for the doctor. Her parents had come to the appointment with us and waited in the lobby. We were having a difficult time getting pregnant, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I focused on the small Christmas wreath that hung on the back of the door to the exam room. I said another silentprayer.
“Maybe this is God’s way of telling me that we should be married first,” Nikki said as she ran her fingers over the cross of hernecklace.
I wasn’t a religious person. I wasn’t raised in a house that practiced any sort of faith. I knew enough about her religion though and understood that babies out of wedlock were frowned upon. Sex out of wedlock was frowned upon. I was going tohell.
The doctor came in and announced that all of the test results point to Nikki being healthy, which I was grateful for. The doctor said that it could be stress, but he also suggested that I should talk to my doctor. I could be theproblem.
After Nikki relayed the good news to her parents that she was healthy, she threw out the brick that I might be the problem. I knew her parents just loved hearingthat.
“We’re going to get Ryan tested too and see. The doctor also said that it could be stress,” Nikki informedthem.
I knew it was on the tip of her parent’s tongue to say something to me about my family or genetics. Thankfully, they spared me for themoment.
JANUARY2007
It had been a little over a year since I had proposed to Nikki and she was in full wedding plan mode. The wedding was set for April of this year, and I had been working overtime to tuck money away for a down payment on a house. The down payment for the home would be my gift to her for our wedding. I was so proud of what I had tucked away forus.
I thought about all of our plans for the future as I sat on the exam table in my doctor’s office. Nikki was texting with her parents when the doctor came in. Since December, I’d gone through several tests to find out if I was the cause of not being able to get Nikkipregnant.
And Iwas.
I wasinfertile.
Nikki communicated the most with the doctor while I sat somewhatstunned.
“Is there any way to fix him?” she asked thedoctor.
I tuned out all of the noise until Nikki started asking morequestions.
“His dad did weird stuff to him. Could this have been caused bythat?”
“Possibly. It’s very likely. Childhood trauma can cause an array of medical issues down the line. The low sperm count is most likely an effect of stress as a child, especially during puberty. There are also some blockages, which is most likely an effect of injuriessustained.”
“Can you fix the blockages? Would thathelp?”
“Potentially, but there’s no guarantee. If the sperm count was higher, even if it were closer to the average scale, I’d suggest surgery for the blockages. But with the count as low as it is, I’m afraid you’d be setting yourself up for a costlydisappointment.”
Nikki was on the phone with her parents the second we left the doctor’s office. I didn’t care at the point. Since she was busy talking to her folks, it took the pressure off of me to have to talk rightnow.
